11 Awkward Situations Dramatically Improved By Walter Mercado

    Con mucho, mucho amor.

    Alex Alvarez
    by Alex Alvarez

    BuzzFeed Staff

    1. A first date.

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    Walter Mercado would gaze deep into the future to let you know that this date isn't going to end well, but if you leave now, you can make it home in time to catch your hot neighbor walking their dog.

    2. A line for brunch.

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    Walter Mercado would look to the stars and warn you that the "duck fat macaron truffle hash with a gentle tickle of rhubarb butter" will give you the runs. Best stick with the French toast.

    3. A dry wedding.

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    Walter Mercado would have the clarity of mind to have reminded you that you should definitely have stashed a flask in the terrible corsage the bride made you wear, especially since he foresees the bride's grabby uncle breaking his hip while trying to nae nae during the reception.

    4. Being held at Litchfield Prison.

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    Walter Mercado would read the journey of the planets and see that that Piper's destiny is to please just fucking not.

    5. Sitting at your laptop while your favorite show is buffering.

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    By simply touching the very edge of Walter Mercado's dazzling gold cape, you will be transported into a time where all buffering and loading is complete and you can enjoy your show in peace.

    6. Your middle school friend's baby's gender reveal party.

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    Walter Mercado would intently study the cycles of the moon to see that, in a beautiful twist of irony, your child's baby will not conform to a gender binary, but the cake will be really good, so be sure to take an extra slice or four home.

    7. A suspiciously empty subway car.

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    Walter Mercado will warn you that this empty subway car is REPLTE with human feces. Seek refuge elsewhere, weary commuter.

    8. An awkward party.

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    Walter Mercado would peer deep into the hearts and minds of the booze-addled partygoers and show you that they're all exactly as nervous and socially inept as you are. Go talk to them.

    9. When you're trying on new jeans and aren't sure they make your butt look good.

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    Walter Mercado will assure you that your butt looks exactly like the peach emoji, and add that he sees a future bae's hand in your back pocket at some point during Netflix and chill hooking up.

    10. When you thought it was going to be just a fart but it totally wasn't just a fart.

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    Walter Mercado knows that the nearest exist is to your left and that Old Navy is having a sale on pants.

    11. When there's good chisme

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    Walter already knew it, girl.