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    Going Out On St. Patrick's Day, As Told By "Leprechaun"

    Green beer = no fear.

    Going out on St. Patrick's Day can be STRESSFUL.

    It starts when someone asks if you want to go to a St. Patrick's party and you're like, "This sounds mildly terrifying."

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    Did you hear the scary story of the person who went out on St. Patrick's Day and woke up on the subway? In a different city? Wearing someone else's pants?

    But then you hear there'll be pizza at the party, so you're all YAAAAAAS.

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    KISS ME I'M PIZZA.

    Then you get to the party and don't recognize anyone there.

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    I guess I'll pretend to text until it's appropriate for me to leave.

    So you call your friend and ask if they're planning on EVER SHOWING UP TO THIS.

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    Do I have to wait here alone until Easter? GET OVER HERE.

    So you're bummed, waiting. But then you see it: GREEN. BEER.

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    And you're like... YODSPDOAY! (You Only Do St. Patrick's Day Once A Year)

    THEN your friend finally texts back with "I'm at this OTHER PARTY," so you leave without saying good-bye to anyone.

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    Ugh, "bye."

    You are pleased to note that everyone at this next party looks SUPER HOT in green.

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    You finally spot your friend and you're like "HEY GIRL."

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    Boop!

    You friend asks if you want to wear novelty shamrock sunglasses and you're like "HAHAHA. No."

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    Just because I've had a lot of green beer does not mean I'm prepared to sacrifice my dignity. Yet.

    So by this point you've had so much green beer that you yell, "LET'S MAKE LIKE A SHAM AND ROCK."

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    And you friends gently whispers that you're embarrassing yourself.

    You have a drink with all the "new friends" you've made that night.

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    This is a good idea! Maybe.

    Your friend tells you that you've had too much green beer and pizza, but you're like "I'M INVINCIBLE."

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    "I CAN TOTALLY WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE," you shout.

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    You think you have the singing chops to perform "Oh Danny Boy," but guess what.

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    You really do not.

    So your friend is like, "YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD AND WE'RE LEAVING."

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    Your Uber ride home is a total nightmare because you're trying hard to keep all your beer inside your body.

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    Like, you're an actual hot mess.

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    And yet, the minute you get home, you can only think of one thing: SNACKS.

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    At this point, you really just want to pass out in bed. But then you remember: IT'S A WEEK NIGHT. AND YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW.

    So you put on some sunglasses and pretend this night never happened.

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    Have a happy (and safe) St. Patrick's Day!

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