1. I learned that there is a secret spy training centre in Soho.
This is a slight exaggeration. These are the offices of a PR company, who wanted to plug a new series that's out on DVD and Blu-Ray, and to do so they hired in some ex-spies and soldiers to teach journalists how to be James Bond. I thought I'd spotted a gem of an opportunity and took them up on this.
It turned out pretty much every other publication, all the way from the Sunday Sport to Vice to the Telegraph - had also taken up the offer. What I assumed was going to be intimate, personalised training was actually going to be a sort of corporate away day for hacks who wanted to laugh at each other.
2. I learned that a new TV series about spies contains a scene involving oral sex.
3. I learned about the Cold War and industrial surveillance.
4. I learned about all these gadgets.
Here are some tiny bugs which can be stashed in things and will transmit audio. When Dave began his career he'd have to do ludicrous things like secrete a huge dictaphone under a chair and retrieve it a week later. These are small bugs but they're not even modern ones. Things have got a lot cleverer - like...
Cameras in pens...
Cameras in PIRs and plug sockets (the plug socket is particularly devious since it never runs out of battery as it's charged from the mains).
And really clever stuff like (left to right) a microphone so tiny you can put it behind wallpaper, a whole load of mobile cameras all viewable on your iPad, and a magnetic tracking device for cars (which is a bit more old school, but very cool).
5. I learned you should always keep your wits about you.
6. I learned about the subtle art of honey trapping.
Dave sent us into this bar in central London to extract information from strangers. We had to strike up a relationship with them, and somehow find out their full name, age, date of birth, birthplace, pets, marital status, favourite place in the world, obscure details about them and anything else we could find.
7. I learned that the subtle art of honey trapping is much harder to pull off when there's a photographer taking pictures of you in the bar.
8. I learned tabloid journalists are surprisingly bad at honey trapping.
The two women in this clip have just given up trying to extract information from the barman. Their cover was that they were visiting London "from the North". You'll also see that there was also a full film crew operating in the bar now, so it's very unlikely any of its patrons were thinking anything was up.
9. I learned you should always keep your wits about you (again).
10. I learned that a small child didn't have any pets but wanted some (and other details).
11. I learned about the vital skill of the "Dead Drop."
12.
Here is a journalist successfully pulling off a dead drop. You'll see his contact has sat down on a bench and left his brief case just beside him. Our man approaches...
And boom, they go their separate ways with the cases swapped and no one any the wiser. Top work.
13. I learned that Dead Dropping is much harder when you're trying to record the whole thing so you can make funny GIFs.
14. I learned that you learn about knife fighting in a place with posters like this on the walls.
Might make one of them my new email sign off.
15. I learned many terrifying things about knives from this man.
16. I learned to beat up an invisible man.
17. I learned to block this guy's punches.
18. I learned to disarm someone attacking me with a knife.
19. I learned I would be a rubbish spy.
I then went home and watched some of this series, The Americans, which they were plugging and came to several conclusions:
- It's actually really good and I'm not just saying that because I got to do this.
- But at no point does anyone emotionally manipulate a toddler
- Or fail to pick up a briefcase
- Or nearly get knocked out while trying to learn a very basic self-defence move.
In summary, if I was a spy, I'd be Roger Moore in Octopussy.
