57 Things That Are More Fun Than Black Friday Shopping
If you need me I'll be sleeping and not getting trampled.
1. Getting your teeth cleaned.
2. Trimming your toenails.
3. Trimming your dog's toenails.
4. Emptying all the trash cans in the house.
5. ...And then the trash bag breaks and you get trash juice all over your feet.
6. Listening to your great-aunt describe her latest medical procedure.
7. Trying to explain the cultural impact of Beyoncé to your dad.
8. Folding a full laundry load of fitted sheets.
9. Filing your taxes.
10. Watching a golf tournament.
11. (In person, when it's drizzling.)
12. Waiting for a YouTube video to buffer.
13. Reading all the comments on a viral YouTube video.
14. Checking your entirely full voicemail inbox.
15. Having to pee in Midtown Manhattan.
16. Putting on jeans you haven't worn in a while and they like SORT OF fit but really not that well and you're super uncomfortable for the rest of the day.
17. Hand-washing all of your bras.
18. Thoroughly cleaning your computer keyboard.
19. Sitting in a traffic jam for three hours.
20. ...While the radio only plays Hoobastank.
21. Looking through photos of your ex's wedding.
22. Waiting for dialup.
23. Arguing with your libertarian dad about why you need to major in Women's Studies.
24. Being permanently on hold with your cable company.
25. (Especially if it's Time Warner.)
26. Waiting in line at the Gap to return something.
27. Going through customs at the airport.
28. Sitting next to a loud talker on the bus.
29. And then realizing they've turned their attention on you.
30. Doing a ~cleanse~.
31. Getting stood up by a Tinder date.
32. Realizing you only shaved one leg.
33. Having a painful subterranean butt zit.
34. Conducting a text message conversation on a 10-yr-old flip phone that doesn't even have T9.
35. Realizing halfway through your long walk that your boots will never stop making your socks fall down.
36. Resetting the clock on the microwave.
37. Calling all your past sexual partners to let them know you've tested positive for an STD.
38. Going to the DMV.
39. Suddenly having a flashback to an eighth grade dance.
40. Cold-calling people to ask for donations to a political cause.
41. Being late for a job interview.
42. Accidentally cheating on your spouse with their identical twin.
43. Only being able to follow parody Twitter accounts.
44. Stalking your crush's entire Instagram and liking the very first photo by mistake.
45. Having a sex dream about someone you heretofore thought of extremely platonically.
46. Taking a sip of beer and then it overflows all over your pants.
47. Realizing how asymmetrical your body really is.
48. Watching your enemy succeed.
49. Setting off the fire alarm while making a personal pizza and waking up everyone in your building.
50. Giving someone a gift that they clearly loathe.
51. Being quizzed on the 50 states by a sexual partner.
52. Burning a chunk of your hair with a curling iron.
53. Accidentally Gchatting the person you are talking shit about.
54. Donating to your friend's incredibly self-serving Kickstarter.
55. Husking an ear of corn only to find that it is full of bugs.
56. Clogging the toilet at a fancy dinner party.
57. Paying full price.