1. First, send out your invitations. etsy.com 2. etsy.com Ceci n'est pas une Valentine. Available here. 3. etsy.com Available here. 4. Decorate accordingly. etsy.com Buy this blood-spattered heart garland here. 5. etsy.com Available here. 6. etsy.com This is a painting of a cat that has just killed Cupid so all art can stop now. Buy it here. 7. media-cache-lt0.pinterest.com There's no better way to vent ire than by smashing something repeatedly with a bat. 8. Set the mood with a candle. etsy.com This candle smells like BETRAYAL and HEARTBREAK*. Available here.*actually orange and hydrangea. 9. And by playing this gem of an album. amazon.com It's available on Amazon and iTunes and contains such cathartic hits as "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" (sic). 10. Serve cookies inspired by conversation hearts. etsy.com Except, you know, the exact opposite. 11. Make your point with cupcakes. Flickr: momandpops By Mom and Pops. Also re: "make a point," sorry about that. 12. Make Stupid Cupid cocktails. madtini.com Featuring all the gin and bitters you could ever want. Recipe here. 13. Have your guests participate in some soothing arts and crafts. etsy.com Embroidery sampler here. 14. radmegan.blogspot.com Make your own voodoo dolls. Directions here. 15. tamponcrafts.com These earrings are made from tampons so you can ruin everyone else's Valentine's Day too. Directions here. 16. Play the Mustache Game with this cinematic masterpiece. fanpop.com Never heard of the Mustache Game? You're welcome. 17. Paint manicures with "Valentine, Schmalentine." etsy.com Polish available here. 18. Or venture into true nail art territory. polishmepink.blogspot.com Take your inspiration from Polish Me Pink. 19. musicalhouses.blogspot.com Use shatter polish to make broken hearts. Directions here. 20. emilysnailfiles.blogspot.de A more positive spin from Emily's Nail Files. 21. Send your guests off with appropriate party favors. etsy.com Like this anatomically correct heart pin, to remind everyone what hearts are REALLY for. Available here. 22. etsy.com I can't imagine a situation that calls for broken-heart-themed nipple pasties, but I'm sure you can. Available here. 23. etsy.com Who better to remind everyone about the futility of love and Valentine's Day's rampant, manipulative commercialism than Grumpy Cat? Buy the plushie here. 24. etsy.com Everyone, even the most hard-line cynics, could use a reminder. Available here.