back to top

The Second Coming Of "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" Is Here

This isn't happening yet. But everything else is getting a reboot, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Posted on

HEAR ME OUT.

Bob D'amico / ABC

I, like many people, have experienced more than my share of reboot fatigue. But it's just gonna keep on happening — so it's time, friends, to embrace it. Nothing will ever die. Everything cycles back through eventually. Mortality has been invalidated. And Sabrina the Teenage Witch is a show that could both thrive off the memory of the original and chart a new path for itself.

Witches can harness the one power to rule them all. We can use this to our advantage in the coming years to gird ourselves from humanity.

ABC

Is there anything more heroic or 2k15 than the amazing power of women TURNING FRUIT INTO OTHER FRUIT?!?! If we are doomed to be mortal, may our brief time on Mother Gaia be blessed with perfectly ripe avocados year-round. Avocados that may be turned into pomegranates at a moment's notice. Give us this illusion of surplus.

Sabrina's not stressful. Sabrina can save us.

Advertisement

Well-crafted covens can guide us through our mortal foibles. Witches, in all their wonder, are definitely qualified to distract us from the endless spin of the world.

ABC

We spend so much time railing against this self-recycling world of reboots. But maybe if we jump into that recycling bin alongside Hollywood, we'll look up one day and see that we've recycled ourselves.

Towards death we march, but we do not have to go alone.

The modern life cycle of media has already put us back in the early 2000s, the deepest cesspool of our hubris.

ABC

Girl Meets World is carrying on the legacy of fellow TGIF alum Boy Meets World. The Backstreet Boys are still touring, somehow. They haven't accepted their mortality, so why should we? As T.S. Elliot wrote in "The Hollow Men":

"Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom"

The TV shows of our childhood may outlive us all.

We need this. We just...we need this.

ABC

A new Sabrina could be the light that guides us from the ravages of our century. This could be the single brief moment in which we share a carefree moment in the sun, before we too are subsumed by paying the rent and mean reality TV. A moment of light before it is all gone, only to be birthed again but without us.

It is our time to look in that mirror. They may own our world, but reboots don't have to be derivative! They can breathe life into our dreary existence.

ABC

A new Sabrina doesn't have to be a blind copy of the original. They don't just have to remind us of the hubris of humanity, they can also take what was great about the first time around and spin the concept around to be new and cool and fun. If they're good enough they can distract us from the reboots that will outlive us all (with the robots).

Advertisement

She could live with her aunts in a GIANT CREEPY GOTHIC VICTORIAN HOUSE where they give her valuable survival advice in this rat race toward true hell.

RISE UP, friends.

It is our time.

We must beat on, as that Gatsby said.

"Boats against the current."

Borne back, ceaselessly.

We must embrace the never-ending end.