1. This was a film that reminded us: No matter how shitty our lives get, we might secretly be immortal space royalty.
2. And being an immortal space queen comes with some amazing space corsets.
3. Beware, though: Being an immortal space queen comes with incest and very melodramatic assassination attempts from your space family.
4. Channing Tatum was half dog*, because that is his truest form.
5. *Actually, technically he is a genetically modified angel soldier who is part wolf, which...also works I guess??
6. Not only that, he was a half dog being who FLEW AROUND ON ROLLER BLADES LIKE A MODERN DAY DOG HERMES.
7. And Mila Kunis' character kind of implied she was into bestiality while trying to get into his pants???
8. This movie's basically what would happen if Star Wars had a trashbaby with Evanescence.
9. Sean Bean was a sad bee dad.
10. AND THE BEES CAN SMELL ROYALTY. Because of science, or something!
11. And we haven't even gotten to Eddie Redmayne yet.
12. Eddie Redmayne lounged around evilly like a majestic snake in a glitter cape. That should really be enough for any movie.
13. Eddie Redmayne can win all the Oscars he damn well pleases, he will literally never surpass the pure unadulterated ACTING he did as Balem Abrasax.
14. Every time he whisper-screamed a bit of my soul was born anew.
15. I'm still about 90% sure I hallucinated the entire thing.
May it outlive us all, and may Eddie Redmayne never live it down.
