1. You'd say, "Ugh, can I live?" and everyone would be like, "LOL, no."
2. And they actually say "LOL" because there is no actual laughing.
3. Your archrivals in heck have won the championship in the intramural flag football game 1,000 years in a row.
4. It is perpetual fire with no marshmallows to roast.
5. Satan is always bragging about the glory days when he was actually an angel.
6. All dogs go to heaven.
7. Everyone has their read receipts on.
8. But you are not allowed to turn yours on to retaliate.
9. Your ex's new boyfriend or girlfriend has locked Twitter and Instagram accounts.
10. The loofahs in Hell are all dead tarantulas.
11. Every candy dish has only banana Laffy Taffy left in it.
12. Rasputin runs the post office in hell and he always slides his fingers slowly across your hand when he gives you your mail.
13. Emperor Nero runs the hell canteen and only serves what his horse suggests.
14. There are no windows.
15. There are no birds either, which you don't think about but would actually miss if you didn't see any for a while.
16. Except this weird monster bird, who sucks.
17. You'd be really sweaty all the time.
18. But there is only lukewarm water to drink and bathe with.
19. The only other beverage is flat Crystal Pepsi.
20. Swimming pools only materialize in hell for the first 29 minutes after you've eaten, then they vanish.
21. Everyone on Tinder in hell starts conversations with "Hi."
22. Your password hint in hell is "Who is the love of your life?" and you answered it in college and are reminded of him/her every time you log in to GHell.com
23. In hell, no one cares about the difference between "you're" and "your."
24. Since the whole population is evil, you don't really stand out like you did during life.
25. Everyone is issued twin-size sheets for their beds but everyone's bed is a full size.
26. Everyone's roommate listens to Dane Cook comedy routines on CD all day.
27. There is someone who looks exactly like The One That Got Away in hell but you're only ever able to see him/her just as they're leaving the canteen so you're not sure if it is them.
28. Your know-it-all boss in hell work duty actually went to your safety school.
29. But you're not allowed to let them know.
30. Your outfit in hell is what you wore in your eighth grade yearbook photo.
31. The mechanic in hell knows what Meatloaf was referring to when he said, "I would do anything for love but I won't do that," but he won't ever tell you.
32. Time is measured in MMMBops rather than seconds so it is always just an estimate.
33. This makes planning anything on schedule a disaster.
34. Everyone in hell thinks Amy was the best sister in Little Women.
35. Everyone thinks that articles on Facebook from The Onion are real in hell.
36. If you try to tell them, you'll suddenly grow cat fur in your mouth.
37. Speaking of which, your cat has told everyone in hell all about your habits when it was just the two of you.
38. You find out the real ranking of your siblings in order of Most Loved to Least Loved.
39. Which feels bad no matter where you land, really.
40. Every time you need to use the bathroom, you have to witness an HD video of your own moment of conception first.
41. The menu for every meal in heaven is read aloud over a loudspeaker while you eat your horse food.
42. There are also no napkins in hell.
43. The carbon monoxide alarm is always low on batteries but you can never change them.
44. Speaking of batteries, the remote control in hell takes AAs but there are only AAAs.
45. You have to say, "What the here?" when you're mad, which sounds lame.
46. All of the saltines in hell are a little bit wet.
47. Everyone leaves voicemails instead of texting.
48. You can detect your first name in the Gchat box of the person next to you but none of the rest of the conversation.
49. The people you want to talk to most in Gchat hell are always in gray so you can't tell if they're online and you have to wait for them.
50. And every night you dream of the day that you did the crime that pushed you over the edge from going to heaven and going to hell, convinced you get to redo it.
51. Then you wake up and are like, "What the here?" and everyone laughs at you cause it sounds so lame.