Do you use a knife and a fork when you eat?Even when you're eating a burrito?Do you use a napkin when you eat?A cloth one?What about a fish knife?What about a cake fork?Do you wash your hands after using the bathroom?Every time?Are your shoes polished?Or are they suede?Do you own more than two pairs of shoes?Not including running shoes.Do you know how to tie a tie?Can you tie a bow tie?Do you carry postage stamps?Does your family have a motto?And a crest?Do you always carry an umbrella?Do you drink bourbon?Do you drink whiskey?Do you know the difference between bourbon and whiskey?Do you know the difference between whisky and whiskey?Do you wear trousers, even when you're the only one at home?Do you wash your hair, even when you know you won't see anyone for two days?Do you wash your face before bed?Always?Do you brush your teeth twice a day?Have you opened a bottle of wine, only to drink one glass?And actually just drank one glass?One normal-size glass?Can you promise that you have never responded to a text with "k"?Is the number of selfies on your phone currently under 20?Under 10?Under 5?!Do you eat at least three portions of fruit and vegetables per day?Not including smoothies?Do you juice?Do you own actual pyjamas?Not including a free T-shirt you got and some boxer shorts.Do you have guest bed sheets?And towels?Do you say "excuse me" after you burp?Do you own up to it when you fart?Do you have a savings account?That you put savings into?And don't take money out of?Do you take taxis often?Have you taken a taxi in the last month?In the last week?Today?Do you always tip?Do you always tip well?
How Fancy Are You?
OH YOU FANCY. You're reading this on a solid gold iPhone now. Actually you're not. Your servant is reading this aloud to you from a solid gold iPhone and you're laughing about how you're fancier than anyone else will ever be.
You're pretty damn fancy. Sure you still do your own laundry, but it's with premium fabric softener. You are a person of taste and class. Swirl your brandy in the air with pride, you fancy thing.
You are moderately fancy. You know when to splash out on the finer things, and when it doesn't matter. We bet you smell great and have impeccable manners.
You're just a regular person aren't you. Like one of us. ONE OF US. ONE OF US.