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54 Thoughts A Sober Muslim Has At The Bar

"WHAT WOULD BABA THINK?"

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1. So I guess people are going to the bar because it's Josh's last day before he moves out to Poughkeepsie. That's nice.

2. On one hand, I like Josh. On the other hand, I enjoy being free of answering, "Wait, you don't drink?" for an evening.

3. Maybe if I just sit here at my desk and look intensely busy, everyone will forget I said "maybe" I'll come.

4. They keep saying, I "NEED" to come. Do they understand the meaning of the word "need"?

5. More of my friends ask me to go to the bar than the mosque. Am I a bad Muslim?

6. What would my parents think? WHAT WOULD BABA THINK?

7. I want to be cool. But like, not so cool that I have to start drinking PBR and grow out a handlebar mustache.

8. I only sit in dark hovels for a very good reason and that reason is SLEEP.

9. Oh man I am totally overthinking this. They just wanna chill.

10. But like, can't we chill someplace where our mutual interests are balanced? Like, maybe a restaurant with a well-stocked bar and a Nintendo 64 nearby.

11. Is this worth it? I'm just going to sit there and watch them get progressively more yell-y, which will probably cause me to become more yell-y. I like yelling, I guess.

12. Like, if I wanted to be entirely sober and watch white people get drunk, I could just go home and watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

13. Ah man, Josephine is going. Josephine is tight. I should hang with Josephine.

14. All right, what's the worst that can happen? All types of Muslims go to bars! It'll be A-OK! Because I am blessin' these guys with my dope-ass presence.

15. OK. WE ARE DOING THIS THING.

16. Just give me like 20 minutes so when I show up you guys are all buzzed.

17. OK, people should be buzzed right now. This shouldn't be too awkward.

18. They are not buzzed.

19. This is awkward.

20. Where are my friends!

21. There are my friends!

22. Hi friends!

23. Oh they're going to get drinks, I guess I will just babysit these jackets.

24. My best friends, the jackets.

25.This is one of those bacon-y gastropubs that New Yorkers love so much. So I basically can only eat 15% of the things that they serve here.

26. Yes? Um, is the black bean soup cooked with lard? Lard AND white wine? Wow! I am so fucked.

27. Maybe I can nibble on like, raw onions and olives.

28. Ooo! Open bar! That's so cool. Free stuff is so good.

29. Wait, I have to pay for food? Can't I get, like, a discount? You know, since I'm not using my free drinks for alcohol and we know fountain drinks don't cost you anything.

30. THIS IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST MUSLIMS. #islamophobia

31. I wonder if I can establish some sort of barter system with the free drinks I am not using.

32. This bartender hates me. But little does she know I feel guilty not spending money on anything, so I WILL tip her for the water! Ha!

33. Isn't vodka made of fermented potatoes? Can't you just pretend that the open bar includes "unfermented vodka?" That is my new name for waffle fries.

34. Aw, Josephine brought me a water and Sprite. Good old Josephine. Too bad I just ordered a coffee. This table could not scream, "HI I AM SOBER" any more.

35. So like, any glass filled with clear liquid could be vodka or water? Is that weird to anybody else?

36. Oh my god, they are discussing what drinks they like. Fascinating.

37, Actually, wait, this is fascinating.

38. OK now it's boring again.

39. Like, damn, I love chai, I love coffee. I can't spend more than two minutes talking about the variations and types I like. It's been 20 minutes talking JUST about IPAs.

40. Damn, so glad I have this Sprite. Sprite is good. Sprite is the will of the lord. I was brought here to this bar by God himself to drink this Sprite. Why don't I have anyone to discuss this Sprite with?

41. I should pray maghrib. But like, is there a single clean place for me to do it in a bar???

42. I'mma just, ya know, make the intention to pray it and combine it with Isha at home.

43. Oy. The compromises of a young American Muslim.

44. I wonder if when my dad first immigrated to this country, he was asked to go to bars by his friends. And how he navigated that. I should talk to my dad. My dad is tight. I should hang with my dad.

45. Aw, no, thank you for the free shot. But I don't want it. No, it's not that I don't like shots. I just don't drink.

46. There is something special about that lil' jig a bro's face makes when you turn down a free drink.

47. OK, things are loose now! It gets so much easier after that first 30 minutes of hanging out.

48. "Hello, yes? 911? I think my friend Josephine has alcohol poisoning. What are her symptoms? She's started calling me Big Zayn and is telling strangers I'm the new member of One Direction. Everything is spinning wildly out of control and I am scared."

49. Turns out I don't know the symptoms of alcohol poisoning.

50. Contact drunkness is REAL.

51. But man, I don't know if I can keep up with this.

52. All right, getting sleepy now. I need to find an exit strategy.

53. Wait, maybe I can just leave.

54. Bye everyone! Til the next time I have to explain I don't drink!

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