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Pokémon As Described By Someone Who's Never Watched Pokémon

Pokymans is Nantindo's most popular franchise.

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Pokémon is about a runaway child named Ash Ketchup who is obsessed with animals and baseball caps.

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He's an animal hoarder with OCD who feels compelled to imprison one of every animal in the entire world.

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Ash's best friend is a yellow weasel named Pikachu.

He has a girlfriend named Misty. Misty likes side ponytails and she carries around a deformed starfish.

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The three of them hang out with a dude named Brock, who is blind.

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Ash and his friends are constantly being chased by two drag queens and a cat from Brooklyn.

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Ash is embroiled in an underground animal fighting ring that uses gyms as a front for their illegal activities.

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During battles, Pokémon trainers distract each other by throwing red and white Christmas ornaments at each other. Whoever runs out of ornaments first loses.

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Pokémon trainers are obsessed with FLAIR.

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Some of the most popular Pokémons include Jiggles the Puff, a pink beach ball who loves karaoke.

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Bulbasaur is a frog with a rotten onion on his back.

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Psyduck is a platypus with long term paranoid psychosis from extensive amphetamine abuse.

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Slowpoke is a pink koala who just got internet access in his room.

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Sometimes food can be a Pokémon too, like radishes or clumps of old spaghetti.

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Captured animals are experimented on and mutated into larger, angrier monsters.

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When Pokémons are slaughtered in battle, they come back as mean ghosts and get to be enslaved all over again.

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Also, Pokémonning too much will cause seizures, so it's important to limit how much you Pokémon.

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