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Metaphorical Ballers Do Not Have Girl Problems

The best problems are problems that belong to somebody else, amirite?

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I recently overheard someone's phone call about their friend's breakup. The conversation raised some valid points and really touches deeply on human connection.

Like what is a metaphorical baller? Is there a handbook? Did someone define in detail "about that life"? Below is the transcribed one-sided conversation. You're welcome.

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Man, he’s going through it right now. He needs to save her number as DON’T TEXT EVER. He needs to pretend she died.

Sure, it might be easier to block them but then potential girlfriends won't see them as "DON'T TEXT EVER" in your contacts. Where's the fun in that?

No, he never cheated or anything like that. She just likes to party.

Does he not like to party? Did she cheat? Now, I'm interested and these details are imperative to my eavesdropping. Tell me what you know!

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Yo dude, your girl wants a baller, so if you want her back you better live that life. Become a baller.

Wait, what now? She wants to date basketball players? What if this guy isn't even good at sports?! IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR HIM?

No, not like a real baller, a metaphorical baller. You know about that life?

No. What? Of course I don't know about that metaphorical baller life. Does anyone?

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She wants to live like the Sex and the City girls.

I'm pretty sure that is not a thing. That hasn't been a thing for a long time, sir. That doesn't even make sense, we're on the West Coast. Does that mean she wants to live like a Kardashian?

Nah, he’s a really good guy. And he’s got talent. If I could draw as good as he does – AND he can grow a really good beard. That can go a long way.

Well, that's technically true. There's no denying beard logic.

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She’s a savage. She just cut him out of nowhere. Nice girls just don’t do that.

ALL girls have done that to somebody. I'm not alone on this. Right? Maybe I should get a list of things nice girls do for reference. Do you even know any nice girls if you're living that metaphorical baller life?

She goes to San Francisco, always goes to Cali, that’s sketchy.

Whoa, whoa. Why is that sketchy? I go to Cali and I am a total law abiding citizen! I think? I thought I was a nice girl, but now...

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We gotta be harsh. We gotta tell him - I mean he’s gotta move. I would move. I would just move. Get out of the city, find a new state.

That's not the worst advice I've ever heard. I mean, I've got my passport so when I get to 50 I can just expand to Europe. I've always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower.

He's just cozy, I get it change sucks. You just gotta get it.

GET WHAT? What does he need to get? Is it a thing everyone needs to get? Is it related to that metaphorical baller life? CAN SOMEONE TELL ME ABOUT THAT LIFE?

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