I have the secret of life. You simply crawl into your bed, and you never, ever leave it again.
MINT GREEN COUNTS, DAMNIT.
Teach me, Dave, teach me ANYTHING.
These are the REAL lucky charms.
Possibly more important than your blood type.
If you can’t say anything nice…be passive-aggressive as hell.
“The 50 State Quarters set? Grandpa, do you think this is a fucking joke?”
Grandma got run over by a reindeer? Good.
“AN ASTEROID?! I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!”
My tree could Avada Kedavra your tree’s ass.
OMFG IF I DROP ONE MORE THING TODAY EVERYONE DIES.
*Googles how to be invisible*
Step 1. Buy Food. Step 2. Add Peppermint Schnapps.
We see you, Ariana. Everyone sees you.
Hold onto your butts, people, Josh Server is still smokin’ hot.
If loving pumpkin flavored food is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Tried and tested. Results: drunkity drunk drunk.
Some people just want to watch the world burn…
DAMNIT TOM WHY?! WHO ARE YOU EVEN?
Surge has been resurrected and it’s unanimous, we’ve been given a gift from the gods.