22 People You See At The Movies

Because people watching is the foreplay of cinema

1. The Couple That Secretly Makes You Hate Yourself

It’s really hard to feed each other Twizzlers with one hand when the other is giving the chokehold of love (some call it holding hands), but this couple manages. Don’t look directly at them or nausea will ensue.

2. The Know-It-All Who Has No Friends

You really don’t care to know every detail about the set, how much of it is based on a true story, or what the actors did before they scored their big role, but this guy will tell you anyway.

3. That Person You’re Trying to Hide From

Whether you lied about your plans or you’re avoiding an awkward conversation, you’re glued to the shadows now, are forced to sit by the wall, and need to leave before the credits roll to escape. Or Plan B, leave to pee and never come back.

4. The I’m Waiting for Someone Liar

There’s always that one anxious looking person who keeps glancing at the time, waiting for the theater to go dark so no one can see they’re a party of one. #foreveralone #itgetsbetter?

5. The I’m Waiting for Someone Truther

This is the more relaxed person who planned ahead and said, I’m grabbing a seat and I’ll meet you in the theater. It’s the polite way of saying I WILL NOT LET YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME.


We’re talking about the over-excited group of girls in line for the new Cameron Diaz flick. They cheer when the previews are over and they laugh the loudest at the dick jokes.

7. The Human Vacuum

The movie is an excuse. This person is just here for the popcorn.

8. The Molasses Slow Employee

The normal human speed of this employee shuts down by half when the previews are playing in the theater you’re trying to get to. NO, I DON’T WANT A COPY OF MY RECIPET. LKJSDFLG;KBHSDERKLTHAWEFJLFSDKJGLAKJRTL;.

9. The Asshole Who Knows Someone Who Knows Someone Who Worked on This Movie

They point them out in every scene and loudly announce they know who that person is in real life because the actor’s uncle’s wife’s sister-in-law cut your babysitter’s hair that one time at Supercuts. That bond is deep, dude.

10. The Question Asker (Mostly Likely Your Mom)

What’s happening? Why did he do that? Where are they going? What did he mean by that? Do you know who did it? Why did she say that? I DON’T KNOW. LET’S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

11. Parents Who Give Zero Fucks

The movies is not the best place to give your child unlimited amounts of sugar and set them loose on the aisles of paying cinema enthusiasts, but these douchebag parents do as they please. Let’s say it together everyone, birth control.

12. The Apathetic Ticket Taker

This employee looks like they might die from boredom. You doubt any expression has ever flickered across their face and they’re obviously dead inside.

13. The Butter Bandit

Don’t bother getting in line behind this behemoth. He’s not content with the river of butter his popcorn is swimming in until he needs a life jacket to eat it.

14. The Underage

They’re loud, obnoxious and probably trying to nail your girlfriend in the cleavage with popcorn. They end all their sentences with “your mom” or “that’s what she said.” Attention, please, we’re super funny and chill and we just discovered curse words.

15. Anyone In Their Mid-20s

These movie goers shoot dirty looks at the young ‘uns while feeling deep embarrassment for their past digressions. The shame is closely followed up by texting everyone they ever knew “sorry about being 16 that one year”.

16. The Ultimate Fan

Whether it was based on a book, game or comic, they visibly celebrate the end credit scene. Don’t react or they’ll break the 10 second teaser down and spend the next hour explaining every excruciating detail.

17. The Advice Giver

This advice is never for you, it’s for the characters in the movie. Oddly enough, despite all that wisdom at the ready, if their life were a horror movie they’d be the first to die.

18. First Date Couples

Sitting with their hands palms up on their knees and sweating through their Right Guard, this is young love at its finest. Both can hear their heartbeat in their ears and haven’t looked at each other since the previews started.

19. The Audible Pervert

This is the guy that grunts like he’s doing manual labor every time there are boobs on screen. If you have boobs, sit far, far away from this one.

20. Grandmas

Nobody knows sharing is caring better than Grandma. Lucky for you she brought extra homemade candy in her purse. If she isn’t your Grandma, you have a 50/50 chance of being murdered, but who turns down free caramels?

21. The Sandman

Are they bored? Too much nighttime cold medicine? Narcolepsy? No one knows because they can’t stay awake long enough to tell you. Congrats on paying $12 to sleep for two hours. Feel good about yourself?

22. The Seat Police

This person counts the rows up and the seats across. You best believe if you’re sitting in the middle of the theater, you’re gonna be asked to move or “accidents” will happen.

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