1.
You know you drink too much when you go to write 'videos' and your predicative text suggests 'voddies'
2.
Went nightclubbing for the first time in 10 years last night - the fact I call it nightclubbing probably tells you I haven't for 10 years
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I know you shouldn't mix red wine and codiene but bloody hell the pub quiz flew by last night!
5.
Just seen a second drive through sex shop - how horny are the drivers on the A1? What next - a wild flick your bean cafe? #disgusting
6.
Dogs stopped and done a shit on the zebra crossing then nicked a child's biscuit and the angry parent told ME off - I'm going back to bed.
7.
A cup of chips - whatever next?
8.
Meanwhile on 'Four In A Bed' someone's found a cobweb in a bin
9.
Don't you hate it when you've got a carrier bag stuck to your sweaty leg and you have to river dance to get it off? Oh, just me then
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Well @Independent I had to give up on reading about the discovery of Aristotle's tomb due to a strategically placed Yorkshire Tea advert
12.
Just typed in 'night clubs' in my search engine 'do you mean nightclubs?' Don't be smart just get searching #wiseass
13.
It's crazy shit like this that made me stop brushing my teeth in the first place
14.
Love the way my fingers have evolved through Easter to become thinner at the top so I can scoop hot cross buns out of the toaster
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Well the bell ringer at my local church is either bungee jumping with them or its 37 o'clock #clangclangclang
17.
Catching up on #firstdates - no good ever comes from asking 'How old do you think I am?' Ever.
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Off to have an eye test. Wish me luck - thought someone was waving at me yesterday but they were wiping their windows. Oops!! 👀
20.
Sometimes True Detective is like overhearing a conversation in a library between two pensioners who've just been fitted with new dentures.
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So, the week I start to get beach body ready is also #NationalSandwichWeek sometimes I think the universe wants me to be fat
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Dog just stopped on road to eat horse manure I genuinely nearly died for shit
25.
Say I'd slipped hanging my coat up
26.
Just had a bubble bath - won't show the photo - don't want to break the internet.
27.
Ok, just done a three point turn with a Jack Russell dry humping my elbow - had to do the 'chicken tonight' dance to get the little shit off
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Shit! Just seen #alancarr trending - thought I'd died or summat