1. The Ability to Locate the Nearest Greggs Within a One-Mile Radius
When visiting the North, where the streets are paved with metaphorical pasties and the nearest Greggs is probably in eyeshot, you may not realise how astounding this ability is. But if you're in central London with a craving for a steak bake, turn to your northern friends. If you are humble, they will guide the way.
2. The Ability to Survive Extreme Cold
What may be subzero temperatures to a southerner is simply "a bit nippy" for the true northerner. Anyone who's been on a night out up North can attest to this. Coats are frowned upon and actively discouraged to weed out the weak.
3. The Ability to Eat Most Substances as Long as They're Covered In Gravy
Northerners can survive drunken, 4am chicken and chips because we coat it in gravy. It doesn't matter if it's so undercooked it's practically plucked sushi – gravy makes everything edible.
4. The Ability to Cut Bullshit
Northerners call spades spades, because they're bloody spades. Our advanced grasp of communication means we cut through the jargon of the modern world. We don't say, "I loved it, but it wasn't for me." We say, "I thought it was shit." We don't say, "He's the sort of person you need to get to know." We say, "He's a prick." You can call it blunt, but we'll call it honesty.
5. The Ability to Make a Brew So Good You'll Believe in a Higher Power
A northerner's brew will make you transcend your physical self and enter a state of tingling bliss. Partly it's the water, partly it's an innate skill coded deep within the very fabric of our DNA.
6. The Ability to Be Genuinely Friendly
People on public transport talk to each other in the North, often to complete strangers. Studies have shown that this ability to share stories is directly linked to higher intelligence and life expectancy.*
7. The Ability to Survive a Direct Shot of Vimto to the Bloodstream
If a northerner accidentally cuts themselves there is a 1 in 1,000 chance he or she will bleed Vimto. At this point in our history it's become integral to our anatomy and in a lot of northern hospitals you'll find bags filled with Vimto instead of blood. Or maybe that's because of the constant cuts to the NHS, who knows?
8. The Ability to Become More Northern When Surrounded by Other Northerners
Often, out of the goodness of our hearts, we soften the strength of our superpowers while down south. We do this so that southerners don't get jealous or upset that they are not from the North. However, when surrounded by fellow northerners all of the aspects that constitute our being become amplified tenfold.
9. The Ability to Neck a Mug of Bovril
"With great power comes great responsibility." Thankfully, we've been lumbered with this shit superpower. I've been saved from heroics but denied the gift of flight. Good one, universe.
10. The Ability to Enjoy Puddings That Aren't Actually Puddings
In no other place on Earth, except perhaps Transylvania, would the idea of making a pudding out of blood be considered a good idea. Yet, we not only jumped on the idea, we totally owned it too. Black pudding, Yorkshire pudding, pease pudding... the list goes on. Fuck Heston Blumenthal – the North has always been blessed with a superhuman culinary genius.
11. The Ability to Be Proud of Where We're From Even if It's Shit
In fact, oddly enough, the rougher and shittier our area is the prouder we are of it. I've often said that Preston is a place of perpetual grey where hopes and dreams go to die, but damn it, Preston is my town. I wouldn't want to be from anywhere else and only I get to say it's shit because I'm from there.
12. The Ability to Thank Bus Drivers
Why all southerners haven't evolved enough to develop this superpower is beyond me. If you're in London and a bus driver gets you where you need to be, bloody thank them, you ungrateful git – and maybe, just maybe, you'll be one step closer to developing superpowers of your own.
13. The Ability to Expel All Air From Our Bodies Upon Hearing the Price of a Pint Down South
This is actually a highly advanced coping mechanism, akin to counting to 10. Upon expelling all air the northerner becomes utterly deflated, both mentally and physically. Thus they are able to pay for the pint without exploding into justifiable rage.
14. The Ability to Be Thoroughly Charming
No one knows what makes the northerner so attractive. It could be the soothing, warm tones of our accents. Maybe it's because we can make the word "cock" a term of endearment. Perhaps it's something in our unique brand of humour. It's a mystery to both science and ourselves, yet subconsciously we know how to employ it in our favour.