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What's your wallpaper on your phone and/or computer?
My laptop wallpaper is a nice green leather pattern, like you’d see on the benches in Parliament. You know, THAT. And my phone background is a nice blackwatch plaid. That seemed the most phone-y tartan to me.
When you walk into a bar, what do you typically order?
Beer or whiskey. I actually drink red wine the most these days, but there’s something truly disgusting about most bar wine. I didn’t drink wine for years because my only experience with it had been comedy club wine. Then, in my thirties, I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and my friends ordered wine and it was good. I was stunned. Maybe the key is not wrapping the bottle in Saran wrap at the end of the night? And keeping the same bottle for two months? I don’t know, I’m no James Beard over here.
What's the one word you are guilty of using too often?
I tend to say “Yeah” three times in quick succession when I am indicating to someone that I understand what I am hearing. “Yeahyeahyeah.” When I hear myself say it, I cringe, because it happens a lot, and also because it kind of sounds like, “Please shut up now.” Which is probably what I’m saying.
What is the last thing you searched for on Google?
The REAL killers (no results).
Who is the last person that called or texted you?
My wife. WHAT A LETDOWN, BUZZFEEDERS. Nothing against my wife, obviously, but of course that’s the last person who texted me. I wish I had a more prolific text relationship with several Twilight cast members, but it’s only once or twice a week.
What was the last awkward situation you were in and how did you handle it?
When I realized a popular website tricked me into writing a bunch of content for them. I responded by falling for it.
When is the last time you went to a theater?
Last spring. I was in London doing standup and on a day off I saw a play called Peter and Alice, starring Ben Whishaw and Judi Dench as the real-life inspirations for Peter Pan and Alice in Wonderland, meeting in a bookstore. It was delightfully sad.
What TV show should everyone should be watching?
I love the Danish political drama Borgen, which is an excellent show with an amazing lead in Sidse Babette Knudsen as the Prime Minister of Denmark. Bonus: it’s subtitled, and sometimes a perfectly innocuous image will be be paired with a subtitle that accidentally renders the frame hilariously bleak. (see attached)
And what is your TV guilty pleasure?
I REGRET NOTHING.
What's the first album you bought?
La Grande Storia del Rock, which had the Beatles on the cover, and so I thought it was a Beatles album. But one side was The Beatles backing Tony Sheridan on junk like “My Bonnie” and the other side was a bootleg of some Cavern Club set that sounded like someone was outside the Cavern Club holding a portable tape recorder up to a drinking glass which was being held up to a wall of the Cavern Club. I was in 8th copy on the album sleeve not being in English should have been a major tipoff.
What music are you currently listening to?
Dark Comedy by Open Mike Eagle and The Both by The Both.
What movie makes you laugh the most?
The Wrong Guy starring Dave Foley. You gotta check it out. So much great stuff.
What is the one food you cannot resist?
Pizza. Congratulations to pizza for being the Best Food of All Time for two hundred consecutive years!
What drives you absolutely crazy?
Littering! People! COME ON! ESPECIALLY QUIT LEAVING GUM ALL OVER THE GODDAMNED PLACE. AND ADULTS, STOP CHEWING GUM, WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU.
Pick one: Kittens or puppies?
Kittens. It’s a tight race, but kittens have the edge because puppies go through that biting thing where they gnaw on your hands when you try to pet them.
New York or Los Angeles?
Los Angeles. The end!
Comedy or drama?
To perform: comedy. To watch: drama.
Bacon or Nutella?
Bacon, although I do admire Nutella’s attempt to trick moms into thinking smearing some chocolate paste onto bread is somehow a healthy snack for your child.
'80s or '90s?
They’re both pretty gross, but 80s pop music was just bananas. 80s it is!
Hannah Montana or Lizzie McGuire?
Exaaaaaaactly.
And finally: tell us a secret.
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