2012elections

Rick Perry’s Other Gaffes From Last Night

Hey guys Uncle Joe Biden here. Ricky “Ricky Bobby” Perry really blew the debate last night, right? But forgetting a department wasn’t his only screwed pooch of the evening. Here are some other gaffes that only people with PhDs in Gaffeonomy, like myself, would pick up on.

1.

I applaud Ricky Bobby’s desire to bust some Cain balls. I do. But this is all wrong. Cain went for the crotch and the head. He’s not a boob man. He’s just not. A for effort Ricky. F for boob grabs.

And when you blow an impression that badly, you’re going to get called on it. Unless you’re that guy SNL has playing Barry. A dark-skinned white guy is not the same as a light-skinned black guy. That’s basic race math. That’s not offensive right? I can never remember what things are the offensive ones and which ones are the funny ones. Damn. Anyway, Herman’s face looks like Ricky just made him eat some Godfather’s Pizza! Biden’d!

2.

I don’t know why Johnny Be Harwood and Maria Barti-Simpson-Tony-romo thought this was an important question, but they did. And Ricky Bobby blew it. He blew it. They must have had some inside info that he wasn’t ready for the question.

3.

After Ricky started losing, he really pulled out all the stops. You gotta applaud a man that will dance to earn your love. Marcus Bachmann and I became close friends on that very principle. But Ricky is not a great dancer. And those eyes? Let’s just say those eyes help Uncle Joe get elected. They love those eyes in New York and California. Iowa does not love “fuck me” eyes. Trust me. I tried.

4.

We politicians have a lot of things going for us that you don’t know about. And yes some of us have super powers. Ricky can become a shadow at will. I have stealthy noxious farts that can help turn the tides of any meeting (read more about them here, they’re number 6). Barry? He has the power of “Hope.” I know. We made fun of him for it all the time in the Senate. Like “Barry, you’re like that loser from Captain Planet who had the power of heart! Go talk to a monkey!” (That was one of those things that turned out to be offensive. But that kid did talk to a monkey so I thought it was okay.) Anyway, Barry’s power got him elected (and he won’t shut up about it), but Ricky’s? They need to see you bro.

5.

This was a huge mistake. Don’t let Ron’s face fool you. That was the face he had on before he ate that Tax Collector. He wears the bones as jewelry. True story.

If Ricky disappears. Look in Ron Paul’s lair. I have it on good authority (*cough* CIA *cough*) that it’s in Teddy Roosevelt’s nose on Mount Rushmore.

6.

I can’t believe this isn’t THE story of the debate. Ricky crossed the line here. You don’t go after a man’s imaginary bird friend. I don’t care if he just embarrassed you on what is apparently a national television channel. (I know, I was shocked too. What the fuck is CNBC?) You don’t do this. Ricky this is how you lose elections.

I’ll admit, that seeing Johnny Be Harwood’s face after Ricky killed his bird made me cry. That’s right I cried like a baby. And then I turned and hugged Martin, my imaginary bird friend and we shared a hot dog. You have to treasure your time together. Uncle Jose Bidino, OUT!

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