Welcome to BidenFeed. I’m Vice President Joe Biden, aka Uncle Joe, aka Joey B and the Madness, and I’ll be bringing you a first hand look at what it’s like to be Vice President, what it’s like to try to remain Vice President, and what the White House smells like in the middle of the night (Stale poo. True story, it’s the ghost of Abe Lincoln going to the bathroom, but back then they didn’t have running water so the smell would just linger. We had the ghost hunters out and they verified my theory. So take that Axelrod, and your pet theory of “plumbing issues.” Lame.) Anyway, let’s get this train out of the station. BidenFeed. Reasons I will still be on the ticket in 2012. Here. We. Go.
It’s no secret that Barry is having some polling issues. Now personally, I think this is because these dweebs are asking the wrong questions. I keep telling them that instead of asking “Do you approve of the job Barry is doing down in DC?” they should be asking “Do you approve of Angry Birds which came to exist as a direct result of the election of Barack Obama?” But whatever. Axelrod’s a geek.
Regardless the fact is that WAAAAY more people hate Barry than hate me. Like out of 100 people, 10 more will say they don’t like him. Me? Like 20 % of people don’t even have an opinion yet! That’s what political people call the opportunity gap. And right now, nobody loves that gap more than Uncle Joe.
You know that guy in your office with the jailbroken iPhone and a bunch of cool games that you’ve never heard of? I’m totally that guy! Would you kick that guy out of your office? No way. And for Hillary “Clintonium” Clinton? She still uses a Razr. Not the super old Razr, but the kind of old one. The one that Jack had on Lost when he’s off the island in the season 3 finale, only you don’t know it’s the future until the end when he yells “We have to go back!” And if any of you bitch to me about spoilers, I swear to god I will create a law that mandates you be spoiled if you haven’t seen something within a year of its release. We’ll have roving bands of spoiler agents tracking your viewing habits. Don’t think I won’t do it. And if you think I can’t, you have no idea the kind of precedents that Cheney’s bullshit set up for me.
Self-explanatory, but you do not drop someone who has this kind of boob-dar. You just don’t.
I’ve got crazy prank skills. Axelrod actually thinks my name is Jose Bidino. Nobody can believe that he buys it, but I just drop into my Me-hee-cano accent every time he’s around and refuse to answer until he calls me Jose. It’s so fuckin good.
And I was definitely awake for almost every one of those meetings, so I really wish you guys would stop laughing.
You guys haven’t been in many oval office meetings, so let me tell you, this is a HUGELY important ability. Say Crazy Nancy P or Speaker Boner or Harry Potter and Nevada’s Reid or The Eric Cantor-berry tales get into a big fight with Barry. Maybe they’re winning that fight. I sneak a fart. Point the blame. BAM They’re back on the ropes and Barry’s wailing on them with his word fists. Checkmate.
I’ve won the White House’s annual stand-up comedy competition 3 years running. That means I’m funnier than Leon “don’t call me Pancetta” Panetta, Tim Geithnerd, and Janet “Napolitano Isn’t the three flavored ice-cream thing” Napolitano. I’m still looking for a new nickname for Janet.
I don’t even have an office! Clintonium needs to be out working on real things. My only real job is to be ready in case something happens to Barry, but who’s going to kill Barry if I’m the alternative? That’s right, the answer is no one. White supremacists may dislike him, but they dislike me more. Something about me undermining their whole point about us being better. I don’t know. I couldn’t really follow it.
I’m one bad mother- SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Fucker. The second half of that was fucker. It always bothered me that those ladies never let Isaac Hayes finish. There’s no need to be rude to an artist of Mr. Hayes’s caliber.
Some people in this administration cough Michelle Obamarama and David “Total Hufflepuff” Axelrod cough want to rid our nation of hot dogs. They think that they’re “gross” and “unhealthy” and full of “mystery meat.” But through long tireless arguing, I’ve convinced Barry to lay off the hot dog industry. Do you really think Clintonium would do the same for you? She wouldn’t. And Barry knows he needs me to keep him in line on this one.
I don’t want to seem, you know, over the top, but if they were to drop me from the ticket, it’s possible that they might stop watching “Two And A Half Men” all together. Obviously that can’t happen, so I think they’ll keep me around.