8 Reasons Why We Need to Get to The Diamond Planet ASAP

Scientists just discovered a planet made entirely of humans' favorite mineral in our own galactic backyard. So in favor of this awesome discovery, I am proposing we get there as soon as possible and begin plundering the resource in true human fashion. Shall I list the ways in which this will benefit us? Yes, I think I shall:

1. Grills 4 Err'body!

We needn't be worrying about the health and display of our teeth if WE ALL SHININ'!! Think of just how everyone will be gleaming to the point where we will have to wear sunglasses from all the blinding glare.

2. No More Handless African Children...

Finally, a cause you can believe in. Some of these kids work for a dollar a day, and get their hands cut off for withholding diamonds from their employers. No doubt if we fund a massive space program to recover at least a huge chunk, we'd all be doing our part in helping these kids out. No more sad commercials! Yay!

3. Give The Jews Their Own Planet

The chosen people's country of Israel will feel less pressured to bomb Iran, and therefore cause WWIII once we tell them they've got their own planet made of YAHALOM (that's hebrew for DIAMONDS).

4. Happy Women Everywhere...

You knew this one was coming. Women will be so bejeweled, they'll be more than dripping with bling, and more than willing to put out as a result. At least that's my logic. Definitely not a bad thing.

5. Entire Cities Made of Diamonds!

Ok, so the above picture is of the fabled 'Emerald City'. I get it. The point is, we don't have anything like a 'Diamond City' yet. But Just think about it, how shiny everything would be. Streets paved with diamonds. Busstops. Homeless shelters. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel like a snowcone on a hot day.

6. Scratch-free Cars.

Having trouble getting a scuff out of your Civic? Well, once diamond-plated cars hit the market, you can invest in a vehicle that won't be giving you the same headache any longer.

7. We All Become Kings and Queens.

Now it won't just be Queen Elizabeth mucking it up at Buckingham Palace. We're all royalty once diamonds become an abundant resource. As such, you'll see a lot of small, manageable monarchies form overnight, replacing the fad of start-up tech companies. ALL HAIL! We won't be watching the throne anymore, we'll be sitting on it.

8. Our Next Finite, Exploitable Energy Resource

What with oil often being the centerpiece of modern conflict, I think we found a solution to all this infighting. Diamonds are made of carbon. There's a theory going around that with the right equipment, diamond could be a combustible energy source. OPEC's gonna be pissed...