Summer is overconfident. Summer is arrogant. Summer thinks it just naturally gets to be the best season, like it doesn’t even have to try, because it’s warm and Shakespeare once used it in a sonnet. Well, you know what, Summer? It’s time someone told you that you are a terrible season:
• Summer is far too hot, your skin literally starts cracking and bubbling and then falling off.
• Summer makes things smell terrible, including but not limited to a) people and b) cities.
• Summer means men who should not take their shirts off taking their shirts off.
• Summer also means men wearing flip-flops.
• Summer means hayfever, which is horrible and leaves you wanting to tear your own face off because plants are literally having sex in it.
• In conclusion: Summer is a twat.
If Summer were a person, it would be that too-loud person who shows up and is all “HEY GUYS WE’RE GOING TO PARTY” and you’re all “you know, I’m not really in the mood” and Summer would be all “NO I’M GOING TO FORCE YOU TO HAVE FUN” and you would be like “I just want a lie down” and then Summer would spill beer on you and laugh in your face.
Winter actually has many things to recommend it: Cosy fires! Mulled wine! The soft crunch of snow underfoot! Traditional festivals of light and rebirth across many of the world’s cultures! The hearty feeling of getting into a warm glow of a pub and the companionship of good friends after yomping head-down across the moors in a blizzard! PRESENTS! (It’s mostly about the presents tbh.)
But on the downside it’s really, REALLY cold. Also it goes on for bloody ages, way more than any single season deserves. Several years, in some cases. We are not Westeros and we should not have to tolerate this. Winter had a good thing going, but in the end it just got greedy.
Spring is a season of joy; the fresh blossom of a new year unfurling around you, the gentle shimmer of light creeping back into the world, pushing the dark of Winter back into the shadows. An unstoppable wave of colour sweeps over the countryside, the very air seems to sing with possibility, and everywhere new life bursts forth in celebration of the great adventure that lies ahead.
The downside is that Spring often just flat out forgets to turn up. You spend ages waiting around for Spring, calling and texting and Whatsapping, and… nothing. You’re stuck hanging around with Winter, getting grumpier and grumpier. Spring is flighty, unpredictable, ditzy, like a badly written character in a rom-com. Basically, Spring is a Manic Pixie Dream Season.
Autumn is clearly the best season. This is simply and obviously true. Look at the evidence:
• Everything turns brilliant colours.
• You get to wear comfortable knitwear again.
• The nights start drawing in which means lots of snuggling up by fires with a book, or having an excuse to start drinking early. Or both tbh.
• Good shows start coming back on television.
• You start getting proper weather like wind and rain after all that unbearable sunshine.
• You know that holidays are not far away, but they’re not yet close enough to get stressed about.
• Everything is wonderful and romantic and slightly sad because everything is dying but mostly romantic.
• WALKING THROUGH BIG PILES OF LEAVES IS THE BEST THING.
If Autumn were a person it would be your best friend; the reliable and wise one you turn to in times of trouble, the one you share the good times and the bad with, the one who you’re always happy to welcome into your home. Also if Autumn were a person they would look great in a scarf and would constantly bring you big piles of leaves, which is basically all you want from a friend.
Basically what we’re saying is ALL HAIL AUTUMN.
- Captured New York prison escapee David Sweat has been released from hospital and is back in jail.