valentines

The 15 Types Of Couples You See In Restaurants On Valentine’s Day

Which will you be? Illustrations by Shitty Watercolour.

1. The couple who are obviously office colleagues having a secret affair.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Paranoid glances around to make sure nobody’s spotted. them. Furtive hand touching. Giggling over shared jokes about Susan from HR’s zany email style.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Oh, Christ, I think I just saw Clive from marketing walk past.”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until the Q3 sales figures come in.

2. The couple who clearly just had a massive argument.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Just glaring at each other. So much glaring. Being really pointedly nice to the waiter.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Let’s discuss this later.” “That’s what you always say.”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until they discuss it later.

3. The couple who are on a big night out.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Amid the gentle background hum of gentle, intimate romantic conversations, they’re the ones very audibly HAVING A PARTY.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Two bottles.” “Two bottles?” “…Three bottles.”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until the hangover kicks in.

4. The couple who would much rather be having sex right now.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Can’t quite decide between holding hands, playing footsie and just eating really, really quickly.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Shall we get the starter and the main at the same time and skip the dessert?”
How long their relationship will probably last: Burns out after three exhausting months.

5. The couple who thought Valentine’s Day would be a great occasion for a first date.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Gradually dawning expression of horror on both their faces as they realise what a terrible idea this was and that they have nothing in common.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “So, uh, do you like…stuff?”
How long their relationship will probably last: 97 minutes.

6. The couple who are frazzled first-time parents.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Alternating between necking wine as fast as they possibly can and nervously checking their phone every minute in case the babysitter’s called.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “God, it’s so nice to finally get an evening to ourse— wait, was that your phone?”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until the kid goes to university, at least.

7. The couple who you suspect are in a, er, “mutually beneficial relationship.”

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Older, wealthy-looking gentleman and a young flirtatious woman and OH GOD you’re a terrible person, they probably connect on a deeply personal level and she’s probably a talented neuroscientist who loves him for his accumulated wisdom and gentle, courteous manner, stop reinforcing patriarchal norms through your unexamined assumptions you wretched sexist, but yeah they probably are, aren’t they.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Oh, you shouldn’t have…”
How long their relationship will probably last: Six months/several decades, depending on whether your completely unfair assumption is right.

8. The couple who brought a friend with them because the restaurant had a special deal to try to fill up larger tables.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Well, there’s three of them. And it’s…awkward.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “I love you, darling.” “I love you too!” “I like both of you. “…Thanks.”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until the moment at which somebody gets the wrong idea and suggests a threesome.

9. The couple who’ve been married for 40 years and are resentful about this.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: The pervading sense of ennui that hangs around people who haven’t even had anything new to nag each other about since sometime 1996.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Don’t go ordering loads of rich food. We don’t want a repeat of the incident last year, do we?” “Having another glass of wine, are we? Are you sure that’s wise, dear?”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until one of them dies of passive aggression.

10. The couple who’ve been married for 40 years and are OK with this.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: The pervading sense of happiness that emanates from people who gave up nagging each other sometime in 1996.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Having another glass of wine, are we? Oooh, you are naughty…”
How long their relationship will probably last: Good for another 20 years, at least.

11. The couple who are actually just friends.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Happy and smiling best mates having a lovely, laughter-filled meal together because they decided screw it, who needs romance when you’ve got friendship? Good times, punctuated by barely suppressed flashes of desperation and loneliness and checking out the waiting staff.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “This is so much more fun, isn’t it?” “Yeeeaaaahhhh…”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until one of them hooks up with the waiter.

12. The couple with a smartphone widow.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: One person is looking at their phone. The other is trying to make conversation. The one with the phone occasionally remembers to nod, too enthusiastically.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Are you listening?” “Yes. Yes! I agree totally with you.” “So what did I just say?” “Um…”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until the next version of iOS is released.

13. The mutually smartphoning couple (grumpy version).

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Lit only by the cold glare of their screens, occasionally making half-hearted small talk, then sighing heavily and going back to check if that really important email about the thing has arrived even though they checked like, 90 seconds ago.
Line you’re likely to overhear: Silence.
How long their relationship will probably last: It’s three subtweets away from being over.

14. The mutually smartphoning couple (contented version).

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: Bathed in the warming glow of their screens, chuckling quietly at things, and occasionally showing each other funny tweets.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “I just tagged you on Instagram.” “LOL.”
How long their relationship will probably last: Until a tragic misunderstanding caused by the Twitter unfollow bug.

15. And the weird couple who spend all their time being judgy about other couples.

Shitty Watercolour/BuzzFeed

Giveaway details: This is you.
Line you’re likely to overhear: “Hey, have you seen this post on BuzzFeed…”
How long their relationship will probably last: As long as there’s other couples in the world.

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