1. The free speech martyr.
Key Traits: Thinks there’s a conspiracy of website moderators to stop them bringing the truth to the people. Like a Russian novelist in a gulag, they write not knowing if the world will ever read their words.
Typical Quote: “Not that the mods will dare publish this comment, of course.”
2. Captain Satire.
Key Traits: Has come up with HILARIOUS names for politicians and political parties that completely NAIL their hypocrisy.
Typical Quotes: “ZaNu LieBore”, “Con-Dem-nation”, “Tony BLiar”, “David Scameron”, “Barack’ll Bombya”, “EUSSR”, etc.
3. Freelance accountants.
Key Traits: Just really interested in how much the journalist earned for the article they’re commenting on.
Typical Quote: “Did you get paid to write this?”
4. The Resistance.
Key Traits: They are the last bastion of defence against the imminent collapse of society. They have their principles and they will defend them to the death.
Typical Quotes: “We did not fight two world wars to have Energy Saving Lightbulbs foisted on us. The people of this country will not stand for it.”; “The silent majority will roar.”
5. That bloke who just spends an awful lot of his time thinking about gay sex.
Key Traits: Really not happy about gay people. All those gays, having all their gay sex with other gays. Gayly.
Typical Quote: “I have no problem with gays, I’m just sick of them ramming it down my throat.”
6. Definitely, definitely not racists.
Key Traits: Are racist.
Typical Quote: “I’m not a racist, but…”
7. Jazz bigots.
Key Traits: Not constrained by the normal boundaries of bigotry, they improvise and riff on classic hatreds to create crazy new freeform bebop slurs so unique that you can only think, Wow, I had no idea that could even be a prejudice.
Typical Quotes: There are no typical jazz bigot quotes.
Key Traits: They believe they have spotted a spelling, punctuation, or grammar error in the article and THUS THEY WIN THE INTERNET FOREVER.
Typical Quote: “Maybe you should learn some basic English skills before writing for a national publication.”
9. The people who don’t realise websites can have more than one thing on them.
Key Traits: Does not think this thing they have just read is news. Consistently really baffled to find things like music news or TV reviews in the entertainment section of a website. Steadfast in their belief that news sites can only cover one story at a time.
Typical Quotes: “How is this news?”; “You do realise there’s a war in Syria, right?”
10. The ones whose points are fatally undermined by the fact they also filled out the “location” bit of the comment form.
Key Traits: Really angry about immigrants (while living in another country). Very keen to tell people about the horrific reality of living in the inner city (despite the fact they live in a small village in Cumbria). That sort of thing.
Typical Quote: “It’s a disgrace how these foreigners flood our country and never try to integrate into British society.” — Barry, Costa del Sol