1. This was it. The crunch match. The match England had to win.
2. Everywhere was packed as the nation came out to watch the game.
4. Okay, some places weren’t packed.
5. There was SO MUCH PATRIOTISM.
8. The nation was READY.
9. We were reminded that England needed a win, and it didn’t matter if it was ugly.
10. ITV showed a weirdly emotional film about England players.
11. The musical omens weren’t good.
14. Wayne Rooney narrowly missed a free kick…
15. …and everybody was all like this.
Except they weren’t all dressed as crusaders.
16. Liverpool teammates Steven Gerrard and Luis Suarez were getting on really well.
18. Joe Hart was a commanding presence in goal.
19. It gradually became apparent that Uruguay were worryingly good at football.
20. Important tactical questions were being asked.
21. Then Wayne Rooney rose majestically to… ah, shit.
22. Everybody’s mum was like this:
23. And then… Suarez scored. Because of course.
I mean why would you mark Luis Suarez?
24. And everybody was all:
25. At least the Scots were sympathetic.
26. People started getting… grumpy with some of the players.
27. England were on the ropes. Half time couldn’t come quickly enough.
28. The deputy prime minister weighed in with a passionate, heartfelt tweet showing what a regular guy he is. Which went well.
30. The match restarted. Wayne Rooney continued not scoring goals.
31. We’re going to be honest, we’re not entirely sure what happened for the next twenty five minutes because we were watching through a haze of tears and beer.
32. AND THEN IT HAPPENED. IT FINALLY HAPPENED. WAYNE ROONEY SCORED.
33. Exactly like everybody had predicted.
36. A nation dared to dream once more.
37. …And then Suarez scored again or something.
39. And a nation went back to crying bitter salty tears.
40. So, yes. We lost. Again.
41. Of course, there’s still hope. England aren’t technically out yet.
42. We just need this to happen:
43. But we know what to do.
44. And it’s not like we ever really cared about football anyway.
45. Don’t worry everybody. It’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay.
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