1. “So, which are you?”
Um. Both? Neither? Imagine… it’s like you’ve gone through your whole life knowing that there are only two flavours of milkshake, chocolate and strawberry, and then one day someone gives you a banana milkshake and instead of going, “Oh, nice,” you spend a whole evening complaining that it doesn’t taste like chocolate or strawberry.
No, wait. That’s a terrible analogy. Look, basically what I’m saying is never ask this question if you want to make it out of the room alive.
2. “Yeah, but what percentage are you?”
The heart is a fragile instrument upon which we fumblingly try to pluck out a melody amid the discord of our lives. It is a mysterious landscape of dark, unknowable depths and unexplored, cloud-shrouded heights. So yes, it can definitely be summed like a PowerPoint presentation on the Q4 sales figures.
3. “That must be a lot more fun!”
It is a joyous, nonstop carnival of sexually liberated excess, yes. At no point does it involve sitting on the sofa alone on a Friday night, eating Doritos, watching Save the Last Dance 2 and crying.
4. “You’re just being greedy. There’ll be nobody left for the rest of us.”
This is true. Bisexual people are so greedy they have, in fact, kidnapped all of the hot single people in the world, and are keeping them stored away in a big underground dating cave so that nobody else can have a relationship ever again. Their sexual avarice is legendary. They’re basically Scrooge McFuck.
5. “No, but really, which are you?”
Thin ice, hypothetical talking-to-me person. Thin ice.
6. “So would you like to join us for group sex?”
Um… That’s a little forward, dude.
(Mostly included this one just as an excuse to use this picture, which is one of the first results you get if you search a stock image library for “bisexuality,” and might be the most hilariously awkward stock picture ever created.)
7. “You’re confused.”
Well, yes. Extremely confused. About lots of things, to be honest. That said, whether or not you’re sexually attracted to someone comes some way down the list, below macroeconomics, quantum electrodynamics, tax law, making CSS work in IE6, and what “bleeding a radiator” actually involves.
8. “I don’t know if I could trust a bisexual person.”
So untrustworthy. Constantly plotting to have sex with ALL OF THE PEOPLE.
9. “So you’re gay, but scared of coming out properly?”
An effective tactic, this. If someone’s going to, for example, beat you up for being gay, they generally apologise and leave you alone once you explain that you’re actually bisexual.
10. “Is it hard to keep track?”
God, so difficult. It involves so much multitasking. You wouldn’t believe the sheer amount of calendars, rotas, flowcharts, and 18-month development roadmaps you have to keep on top of in order to work out whether you fancy a person when you meet them. Total logistical nightmare.
11. “So you’re experimenting?”
Yep. It’s an experiment. Doing science with my genitals. My bedroom is basically the Large Hadron Collider, if you know what I mean.
12. “I don’t really believe bisexuals exist.”
HI. STANDING RIGHT HERE. PERSON YOU’RE TALKING TO. WATCH ME EXIST.
13. “But I thought you said…”
Yeah. OK, this one’s kind of on us a bit. Look, sometimes we might be inconsistent in how we describe ourselves. Sometimes, in different contexts, it’s just less hassle if you present yourself in ways that people are familiar and comfortable with. (See points 1–12). It’s not always easy to explain. So instead, you just…you know. Don’t. Sorry about that.