The Only 5 Assignments You'll Find in College Classes

Because Professors don't understand the meaning of the word "variety".

1. The Response

Also known as the Critical Thinking Question or the Reflection, the Response requires you to reflect and form an opinion on a random question, a life event, or something like that.

So go ahead and use the Google "I'm Feeling Lucky" Button. Someone else on the internet for sure has an opinion you can steal.

2. The Research Paper

What the Professor is essentially saying when assigning this: Please choose a topic so specific that you will never find any reliable sources to cite.

Caution: These papers are long, hard, and often count for more than 50% of your grade. Also...Wikipedia is not a reliable source.

3. The Compare and Contrast Analysis

This paper will require you to read/watch at least two things as opposed to one. These things are likely the most dissimilar two things in the world and you will have obnoxiously long paragraphs so you don't screw up your perfect essay structure.

Also the thesis will be terrible. Guaranteed.

4. The Book Review

The teacher just wants to see if you read the book.

You didn't.

The bookstore was charing $50 and you were supposed to read it in a week.

Solution: Lots of internet research, skim the forward, and sparknotes that shit.

Extra Credit: Make some bold claim that it relates to Feminism (works double if it's by a female writer).

5. The "Creative Project"

What the Professor Thinks: He's cool. He's assigning you something that'll be "fun".

It won't be.

It will take three times as long, look half assed, and there will always be that person that outshines the whole class with Michelangelo's David sculpture made out of pill bottles. PLUS GROUP PROJECT ALERT.

Caution: Your grade depends solely on how much the teacher likes you cause there is no way to actually "grade" this.

Yay for subjectivity!

6. EXTRA: Presentations

Whenever the Professor decides that it's not good enough to just hand in a written assignment, you have to humiliated in front of the entire class!

Your grade is based on Public speaking. Don't even pretend otherwise.

Thank you for this Professors.