The 9 Types Of People You See At A Theme Park

Thorpe Park, Alton Towers, Blackpool Pleasure Beach: they’ll be there.

1. The kids who are on a school trip.

 

This jittery group binged on Haribo on the coach and are now working out the politics of who’s going to sit by who on every single ride.

Most likely to say: “Bagsy the back seat on the way back.”

2. The perfect family.

 

This may be a fun day out, but fun needs to be regulated, amirite? This family is wearing matching shirts, they’ve packed their own food so as not to overspend and they’ll leave before everyone else to avoid the traffic on the way home.

Most likely to say: “Candy floss is full of additives, sweetie. Why don’t you try these granola nibbles instead.”

3. The regulars.

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These lads arrive 20 minutes before the theme park opens armed with a minute-by-minute schedule based on how long every queue is. At the end of the day, they’ll leave with a complete set of posed-for photos; they know the exact location of every camera on every ride.

Most likely to say: “This place closes in an hour. We’ve got time to do everything once more.”

4. The children who are having the best day of their lives.

 

THESE CHILDREN ARE REALLY, REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE THEY WOKE UP REALLY, REALLY EARLY AND ATE LOADS OF GUMMY BEARS FOR BREAKFAST AND NOW THEY’RE GOING ON ALL THE RIDES (EXCEPT THE ONES THEY’RE TOO SHORT FOR, OBV).

Most likely to say: “AGAIN, AGAIN, LET’S EAT MORE SWEETS AND THEN DO EVERYTHING AGAIN!”

5. The children who are having the worst day of their lives.

 

These children are only here because their parents want to live vicariously through them. Problem is, they don’t enjoy roller coasters even slightly. These kids are going to spend the day vomming, crying and vomming some more. Bless.

Most likely to say: “Please don’t make me go on it again, mummy.”

6. The stags.

 

This group has been drinking since breakfast. Today, they have one objective: to ensure the groom-to-be throws up. They’ll achieve this via a brutal combination of greasy food, upside down roller coasters and relentless drinking.

Most likely to say: “Chaps, it’s time for a tactical chunder.”

7. The hipsters.

 

Don’t be fooled; these guys aren’t here for the rides. They’re here to pose next to them so that the Internet sees them having fun. They’ll probably go on the teacups, but only ironically.

Most likely to say: OMG you guys, let’s Instagram this queue.

8. The wearied mother.

 

This woman deserves an award. Her son’s just turned 13 and she promised she’d treat eight of his friends to a day out at the theme park. There’s been tears, there’s been queueing and there’s been a whole lot of shouting.

Most likely to say: “Yes, darling. Of course I’ll hold all your bags while you queue for this roller coaster for the nineteenth time.”

9. The boys who are definitely way to old for this.

 

For these guys, this isn’t a nice day out. It’s a series of competitions. Who can eat the most? Who can get their balls out in the most photographs? Who can resist throwing up for the longest amount of time? The prize? Extreme queasiness and a sense of pride.

Most likely to say: “I bet you can’t get your cock and balls out for this one.”

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