1. The mummy’s boy.
This guy misses all of his home comforts, but mostly his AGA. He’s never used a microwave, he’s never made a bed and he definitely doesn’t understand how his alarm clock works. He’s in for a nasty surprise at the end of the month when his phone bill arrives and he finds out that calling his mum 35 times a day has trebbled his outgoings. Bless.
Most likely to say: “It’s not that I miss her, it’s that I think she really misses me.”
2. The lad.
For this lad, unay is a way of life. He suffers from chronic FOMO and as a result has vowed never to miss a single night out. He’ll sack off every essay in favour of bolting apple VKs, master the art of the tactical chunder and sporadically enforce rounds of “Good Pants/Bad Pants.” In a few weeks, this guy will be a BNOC and you’ll never see him near a lecture hall again.
Most likely to say: “Spillage equals lickage.”
3. The floozy.
Prior to freshers’ week, this girls’ school girl had spoken to six boys and consumed six glasses of wine. In her entire life. She’s got lost time to make up for, and she’s on a mission to reinvent herself. But once she’s slept with the entire student body and woken up in a pool of her own vomit for the tenth time, all she’ll have left is a reputation that’s hard to shake and a severe bout of glandular fever.
Most likely to say: “Eugh, I bumped into my tutor on my walk of shame this morning.”
4. The ex head boy.
This guy peaked at school and is desperately trying to cling on to his glory days. He’s already memorised your uni’s Wikipedia page, ordered every item of stash in existence and signed up to direct the freshers’ pantomime at Christmas. He’s nice, but he goes to the gym on a hangover. And that’s just weird.
Most likely to say: “Oh I emailed the tutor in advance, so I’ve actually already finished this year’s reading list.”
5. The girl with subpar kitchen hygiene.
This girl is either so rich that she’s never had to tidy up after herself or so gross that she doesn’t care. But probably both. She’ll get crumbs in your butter, leave her cheese to melt in direct sunlight and neglect to throw away her Rustlers packets. Ew.
Most likely to say: “I promise I’ll wash up in the morning. It’s just, I’m going out tonight. YOLO, y’know?”
6. The instant couple.
Not to be confused with the guys who hooked up in Freshers’ Week, this couple is in it for the long run. They met precisely 45 seconds after moving in, made awkward chat about which A levels they took, and spent the rest of the night making out in the smoking area of a branch of Lola Lo. Don’t worry, though: that’s the last time you’ll see them. They only have eyes for each other now.
Most likely to say: “Sorry, we can’t have a messy one tonight. I think we’re just planning a quiet night in.”
7. The overly intense bezzie mate.
This guy is probably your next door neighbour or the person who stood behind you in the dinner queue. In a moment of “OMG I don’t know anyone” insanity, you agreed to become his best friend. Problem is, in two weeks you’re going to realise that you don’t need someone who buys you friendship bracelets in your life, and you’re going to have to spend the next 11 months trying to shake him off.
Most likely to say: “Remember that time you fell over and then I fell over right after you!? We’re, like, practically the same person. Thank god we met.”
8. The muso.
You’ll know him because as everyone else’s parents leave and hall corridors become filled with freshers desperately searching for acceptance, this guy’s playing really loud music in his bedroom. He’s got two computer screens, he spent his teenage years saving up for an amp and his heavy bass lines are going to keep you awake every night for the next 12 months.
Most likely to say: “I sacked off Reading in favour of Glasto this year? It was savage.”
9. The serial fresher.
This guy’s seen it all. He’s spent the last three years lashing, vomming and then lashing some more. The result? He hasn’t passed first year yet and he’s caused lasting damage to his liver. At first he seems cool because he knows everything (including the bouncers’ first names). But soon you’ll realise everyone else his age has graduated and he’s still sharking freshers.
Most likely to say: “It’s kinda like taking three gap years, you know? And now I really think I’ve found myself.”