The 29 Stages Of Pulling An All-Nighter

If your essay deadline’s looming, there’s no other option.

1. It’s 8.30pm and it’s just hit you: the essay you’ve been putting off for the last month is due in tomorrow.

2. At first, you panic. You haven’t attended any lectures, opened up a book or picked up a pen this term.

3. But then you remember your best friend, Red Bull. He’ll help. He’ll rot your insides, but he’ll definitely help.


4. It’s 9pm, you’re three cans in and you’re good to go.

5. Actually, if you’re going to be up all night, you’re going to need sustenance. You should eat a meal.

6. And since you’re already doing the washing up, you may as well tidy your room.

7. Besides, you’ve been meaning to get into feng shui for ages.

8. Right. 10.30pm. Time to get started.

9. You should probably let Facebook know that you’ve started work. You spend 10 minutes updating your status.

10. Oops. You’ve accidentally stumbled across that guy you dated for three weeks in year five. What’s he up to now?

11. And what about the guy you met last week? You could probably find out his name if you stalked your mutual friends for long enough.

12. It’s midnight. You still don’t know his name, you’ve done nothing but stalk and you’ve written no words.

13. It’s fine. It’s officially a new day. New day, new chapter. A quick coffee will solve this.

14. You copy everything on Wikipedia onto a piece of paper. In exciting coloured pens.


15. OK, that was a solid hour of work. You deserve a little nap.

16. It’s 2am and your nap’s over. It was a mistake. Sleep was so good.

17. Power music. That’s what you need. An energising dance, and you’ll be able to face the essay again.

18. OK you’re typing. You’re putting words onto a screen. They’re not good words, but they’re words.

19. You’ve just rediscovered adjectives. Putting lots of them in every sentence has trebled your word count. You <3 adjectives.

20. It’s 4am and you’ve hit the 1,000 word mark. You’re half way through. It’s time for another break.

21. You should probably shower. A clean body will lead to a clear mind.

22. You sit back down to read the adjectives you wrote earlier. They’re so bad.

23. This isn’t going to be a good essay. You’ve accepted that.

24. You’re going to need to start copy and pasting. Some really smart people contribute to Wikipedia, so it’ll probably be fine.


25. OMG synonyms. No one will accuse you of plagiarism if you right click every word.


26. You’re done. It’s 6am, your essay contains a lot of words you don’t know, but you’ve finished.

27. And you know what you can do now? Sleep.

28. You know what you’re not going to do, though? Make any of tomorrow’s lectures.

29. But it doesn’t matter, because you did it.

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