The 29 Stages Of Pulling An All-Nighter

If your essay deadline’s looming, there’s no other option.

1. It’s 8.30pm and it’s just hit you: the essay you’ve been putting off for the last month is due in tomorrow.

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2. At first, you panic. You haven’t attended any lectures, opened up a book or picked up a pen this term.

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3. But then you remember your best friend, Red Bull. He’ll help. He’ll rot your insides, but he’ll definitely help.

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4. It’s 9pm, you’re three cans in and you’re good to go.

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5. Actually, if you’re going to be up all night, you’re going to need sustenance. You should eat a meal.

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6. And since you’re already doing the washing up, you may as well tidy your room.

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7. Besides, you’ve been meaning to get into feng shui for ages.

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8. Right. 10.30pm. Time to get started.

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9. You should probably let Facebook know that you’ve started work. You spend 10 minutes updating your status.

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10. Oops. You’ve accidentally stumbled across that guy you dated for three weeks in year five. What’s he up to now?

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11. And what about the guy you met last week? You could probably find out his name if you stalked your mutual friends for long enough.

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12. It’s midnight. You still don’t know his name, you’ve done nothing but stalk and you’ve written no words.

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13. It’s fine. It’s officially a new day. New day, new chapter. A quick coffee will solve this.

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14. You copy everything on Wikipedia onto a piece of paper. In exciting coloured pens.

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15. OK, that was a solid hour of work. You deserve a little nap.

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16. It’s 2am and your nap’s over. It was a mistake. Sleep was so good.

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17. Power music. That’s what you need. An energising dance, and you’ll be able to face the essay again.

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18. OK you’re typing. You’re putting words onto a screen. They’re not good words, but they’re words.

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19. You’ve just rediscovered adjectives. Putting lots of them in every sentence has trebled your word count. You <3 adjectives.

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20. It’s 4am and you’ve hit the 1,000 word mark. You’re half way through. It’s time for another break.

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21. You should probably shower. A clean body will lead to a clear mind.

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22. You sit back down to read the adjectives you wrote earlier. They’re so bad.

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23. This isn’t going to be a good essay. You’ve accepted that.

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24. You’re going to need to start copy and pasting. Some really smart people contribute to Wikipedia, so it’ll probably be fine.

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25. OMG synonyms. No one will accuse you of plagiarism if you right click every word.

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26. You’re done. It’s 6am, your essay contains a lot of words you don’t know, but you’ve finished.

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27. And you know what you can do now? Sleep.

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28. You know what you’re not going to do, though? Make any of tomorrow’s lectures.

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29. But it doesn’t matter, because you did it.

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Tabatha Leggett is commissioning editor at BuzzFeed UK and is based in London.
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