The ladies of Geordie Shore are known for having a way with words.
They know how to charm men.
They've mastered the art of subtle flirting.
They exhibit a certain je ne sais quoi.
I, however, am rubbish at flirting. I know nothing about men or how their minds work.
But I was willing to learn.
So I downloaded Tinder and got to work sending unsuspecting men Geordie Shore quotes to see if I could master the art of ~talking to men~.
First up, I matched with the lovely Max. It didn't go well, but I did learn my first lesson.
Perhaps I was coming on a bit strong. So with my next match, Robert, I played my cards differently. I went straight in with an insult.
I needed to change my tactics. Perhaps if I told the men what I didn't want, they'd be more responsive. That's what I tried with Demis. But tbh, he just seemed a bit confused.
But then things started to take a turn for the better. I messaged lothario Kevin a classic menstruation-based chat up line, and he bloody loved it!
My first drink offer! And I didn't even need to tell him I was ready for my clit to tingle! Lesson learned: Men like it when your body parts are caused to feel a prickling sensation!
My period line was a killer! It was time to try it out on sexy, sexy John. And it went really well. Until he got a bit sexist and I got carried away with my old insults.
Not to worry, I thought. I had a pensioner line in the bag. I was worried it might be a bit too much for sex god James, but he absolutely loved it.
He was even responding well to my insults! But just as we were getting somewhere, I learnt my most important lesson yet: Men don't want their cocks to be limited to poking only eyes.
As I continued, the men just kept teaching me more and more. Tally taught me that men like to talk about vomit.
Abdellah taught me that French really is the language of lurve.
And Edward offered me an absolute bargain.
But Casanova Paul was my winner. He gave me his number, and all I had to do was talk about my tingling clit.
Lessons learned: Men like it when women talk dirty.
