1. The girl who’s on a mission.
You’ll find her strategically positioned on the raised part of the dance floor, weighing up her options for tonight. If it gets to 2am and she still hasn’t pulled, she’ll venture into the middle of the floor and stumble into boys until one takes her home. You can’t but admire her tenacity.
2. The girl who took fake tanning a little too far.
This girl left the house looking quite nice. It’s just that her tan started to develop after she left. The first she’ll know about it is when she wakes up in some very streaky bedsheets tomorrow morning.
3. The smooth operator.
He may not have the money to buy girls drinks, but he’s got the lines. And he’s not afraid to use them.
4. The girls on a hen night.
They’re wearing matching costumes that are inexplicably two dress sizes too small, they’re drinking out of genitalia-themed straws and they’re documenting their entire night in misspelled status updates. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.
5. The couple who are about to break up.
“Were you checking out that girl?” “No, definitely not.” “You were, though.” “OMG MAYBE WE’RE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE.” This conversation is happening across the smoking area. Not in it. Not around it. Across it. At a frankly unacceptable volume.
6. The friends who are about to break up.
Also based in the smoking area, one VK too many has led these friends to believe it’s time to talk through all of their unspoken grievances. This is a process that involves tears, runny mascara and a drunken phone call to mum on the way home.
8. The photobomber.
This man’s sense of humour stopped developing in year nine, but who cares? He spends his nights photobombing couples who are PDAing. He’s a hero.
9. The early bird.
She arrived at 9pm, got drunk alone, danced all over every surface and passed out before happy hour even started.
10. The teenagers who are, like, waaaay too drunk.
These girls borrowed their big sisters’ IDs for the first time tonight, shared a bottle of Caribbean Twist before they left the house and are now confusing a sugar high with being drunk. #YOLO.
11. The girl who is actually waaay too drunk.
Her friends cared enough to close the toilet lid, give her a glass of water and tweet this picture. But not enough to take her home.
12. The girl who has taken all off the drugs.
She’s dancing / sweating / screaming two time as fast / much / loud as anyone else. But she is the only person who’s truly unaware of just how awful the club is.
13. The cash flashers
They’re wooing girls with their V.I.P. table and bottles of bubbly. Problem is, drinking tepid Cava out of plastic champagne flutes isn’t quite as sexy as they think it is.
14. The girl who’s feeling sorry for herself.
Her friends have all pulled and she can’t afford a taxi back alone. This girl’s only option is to make smoking area friends and analyse all of her deficiencies in excruciating detail.
15. The circle dancers.
MY ABSOLUTE FAVE. Maybe their phones have run out of battery, or maybe they just really <3 circles. Either way, this group of friends are dancing in an unbreakable formation which you have no chance of intercepting.
16. The rugby lads.
“Down it, fresher,” they’ll shout, despite the fact that none of them have been freshers for at least five years. They don’t agree with wearing clothes on the top halves of their bodies, their torsos are covered in curry from dinner and they think the ultimate test of manliness is strawpedoing bottles of wine.
17. The girls who’ll look perfect on Facebook tomorrow.
These girls have been sipping a single vodka and tonic for the last three hours. They don’t want to get drunk because they might not look their best in the pictures they’re about to take of themselves next to the club’s least shabby parts.
18. The guy who’s giving it a second try.
He may have peaked early, had a tactical nap (slash chunder) and been the butt of his mates’ jokes for the last two hours, but he’s woken up. And he’s ready for round two. Watch out, ladies.