I somehow made it to the age of 23 without having ever watched an episode of The Simpsons.
So I set myself a challenge.
I would watch four episodes — back-to-back — with my boyfriend, who promised to explain everything I didn’t understand.
I was told that watching Bart Gets an F, Last Exit to Springfield, Flaming Moe’s, and Marge Vs. the Monorail would be enough to get me hooked. Apparently those four episodes would help me understand this cultural phenomenon that I have apparently missed out on.
The more I watched, the more questions I had. But, the answer to each one of them was the same: “Shhhh, Tabatha. Just keep watching. Soon you’ll understand.”
So I did.
But I didn’t.
Please, someone, anyone, ANSWER MY QUESTIONS.
1. Why is everyone yellow?
Seriously, does everyone on this show suffer from liver disease?
4. How does Marge’s hairnet not come off during the night?
And what even is its function?
6. Why are two of them vertical and one horizontal?
And why do they NEVER MOVE?
8. Why is Millhouse the only character with eyebrows?
13. How is Lisa allowed to wear such a chunky necklace to school?
She must be owed 100x detentions, right?
15. Who fixes stuff after Homer makes it explode?
And how does everything return to normal so quickly?
16. How is Bart’s blackboard handwriting so neat?
He’s 10 years old. TEN YEARS OLD!
17. How does Maggie’s bow remain attached to her head?
SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY HAIR.