1. “Someone should make a dog chew in the shape of a pipe so when they are carrying it around they look like dapper gents.”
2. “Friend just alerted me to the fact that an ampersand looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor & I will NEVER be able to unsee it.”
3. “Don’t know a ton about evolution but pretty sure that between eagles and bald eagles we had combover eagles.”
4. “I always carry a knife, not for protection but in the event I encounter pie.”
5. “You’ve officially reached crazy cat lady status when you have a pawprint sticker that says ‘who rescued who?’ on your car.”
6. “How many dates should you wait before you show a girl all your Princess Diana stuff?”
7. “I use Command Z (undo) so much that I subconsciously want to use it in real life situations. That would be so ninja.”
8. “Oh no! What if cats are the hipsters of the animal kingdom?”
9. “Every time we have challah in the house I have to shout Ha! Luh! as if I were hosting Yo! MTV Raps.”
10. “Saved a ladybug’s life this morning. What the fuck have you done today?”
11. “Sometimes you just need to let the wookie win.”
—Dan Cassaro (@YoungJerks) via Twitter (and Han Solo via Star Wars)
12. “Gary Busey speaks in Wingdings font.”
13. “Guess my last real date was back in ‘93 when I ate a dozen cupcakes & danced to ‘I’m Every Woman’ on repeat with my cat until we both puked.”
14. “Wondering if planting all the seeds that collect at the bottom of everything bagel bags will yield some kind of delicious plant.”
15. “What are you gonna do with all these pixels?”
16. “I will not correct my daughter when she calls nachos ‘machos’.”
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