Everyone you know just got engaged. You’re thinking–
While you’re grateful of witnessing your closest friends’ unions, there will also be many weddings by ex-coworkers, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, and distant family acquaintances that you’re obliged to go to. Some of them will be stocked with ultra-conservative guests.
And for those, you’re preemptive terrified because–
1. Every wedding is at a different location
2. You’ll hemorrhage all your savings on wedding gifts, travel expenses, new suits and dresses, etc.
3. All your other vacation plans just went down in flames
According to Lonely Planet, ancient Egyptians believed that the Sphinx guides all your slain vacation days to the afterlife.
4. You’re going to have to give a speech, and there is no chance that it’s going to go any other way than really, really badly
5. You’ll have to hear so many witless gender cliches being peddled as hoary hilarity
“What a spunky gem of insight, Uncle Ben.”
6. Your every weekend henceforth will be a rote exercise of bridal strippers and bachelor party flesh
8. Unless the wedding’s totally Pinterest-core
#bacon cupcakes #mason jars #barn #argyle #mustache patterns #Futura font #Feist #Deathcab #Grimes #Mumford & Sons #Zany zombie-pirate theme #Instagram photo booth
9. Either way, they’ll seat you next to these guys
10. If it’s a cousin’s wedding, they’ll seat you next to their spouses’ most arrogant relatives
11. Weddings are a chance for acquaintances and frenemies to judge what you’re doing with your life
“So I hear you’re in an Anthropology PhD program?”
“I, for one, believe in working for the Real Adult World.
I market Colgate mouthwash for a million dollars a year.”
12. No open bar is wide enough for you to want to do this with randos
15. Everyone feels silly about the pageantry
16. There will be dubious quotes to dispense
You know everyone’s gunning for that Neruda poem.
18. And then the newlyweds will start chalking up all their new habits to maturity
So, yes, while you’re happy for your friends’ big days
You’re sort of horrified they’re all getting married in the same few weeks in September and May.
Stay strong. Things will only get weirder once they start having kids.
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