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Things That I Found In My Girlfriend’s Childhood Bedroom

A short list of some things that I found while rummaging through my 23-year-old girlfriend’s childhood things (under the guise that I was looking for a pen) that were indicative of how big of a homo she’d grow up to be.

1. A clip-on tie similar to the one that hung loosely around Avril Lavigne’s neck in the video for “Complicated.”

2. A copy of the movie “Thirteen.”

3. A Tech Deck skateboard, along with tiny tools that were used to change the wheels after they became worn out from hours of extreme fingerboarding.

4. “The Joys of Lesbian Sex” which was checked out from the public library and never returned.

5. “Coming Out to Parents” which was checked out from the public library and never returned.

6. A poster of Pink.

7. Printed out lyrics to Three Days Grace’s “I Hate Everything About You” which she secretly dedicated to her mom.

8. Anonymous love letters that took five hours to write because she had meticulously altered her handwriting; last-minute paranoia kept her from hiding them in her classmates’ lockers.

9. A copy of “The Spirit Room” that her suspicious mother had purposely scratched with a key after mistaking Michelle Branch for a lesbian.

10. A single flannel shirt by Roxy.

11. Chicago Bulls merch.

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