Paula Pell’s Twitter Account Is A National Treasure

There is a reason SNL kept her around for over ten years. posted on

1. Paula Pell is a comedy writer and producer who has been making SNL hilarious since 1995.

2. She has also played small, but hilarious, roles on 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation.

 

3. If you didn’t know her name before, you better get familiar.

4. With a comedy resume like hers, it’s no surprise her Twitter account is a beautiful gift to us all.

5. She gives wonderful morning inspiration:

Enjoy the living shit out of your day. Or be a pill who is devoid of joy. It's up to you.

6. She knows how to laugh at herself:

7. And make light of life’s little awkward situations.

I just spent 30 minutes on the phone trying to explain to a Delta agent what I meant by "my partner"."My scissoree" would've cleared it up.

8. She speaks of the deep insecurities we all share:

I hate when you try so hard not be creepy to kids you don't know that it seems like you're hiding actual creepiness.

9. And voices the thoughts that most of us wouldn’t share publicly:

Sometimes I wish I had a flat stomach but I keep it curvy so my cats have a warm place to nap.

I keep a food journal. It's just spare grill cheeses pressed like victorian flowers inside a Weight Watchers welcome pamphlet.

11. Her tweets are often beautiful short stories that can stand all on their own:

I received my first AARPS card today. I swiped it in a face wrinkle and Diana Nyad appeared and said "Find a way." I got this!

Anthony Bourdain just strolled through my kitchen, sucked the last bit off a chicken leg in my sink drain, muttered "not terrible" and left.

I just did a cartwheel down a hill. I picked up speed and sliced a camper in half.

14. You could argue some of her finest quips could be sold on t-shirts:

15. Or printed as poetry:

Happy likes to hide and be chased but sad sits on your lap like a bag of dusty potatoes.

16. She shares the communal angst of bra shopping with us all:

The only bra that fits me at Victoria's Secret is the one across the manager's Trans Am in the parking lot out back.

Whenever I go in Victoria's Secret I say "Guess the secret is that you have no bras for husky gals." Then I back slowly out flipping a bird.

18. She isn’t above the use of a solid pun:

When I go to buffets I always wear my lumbar support belt in case I run into excessive plate weight.

19. No seriously, she doesn’t miss those golden opportunities:

20. She takes simple everyday life observations and turns them into pure gold:

Why don't they call "Chronic Dry Eye" what it really is. "Unsympathetic Bitchery".

Sunflowers are really bad about "reading the room". Take it down a coupla notches, cheerholes!

22. She gives fantastic advice to the young women of America:

Hey Young Girls, stop texting when you're having lunch with your parents. There will always be a phone.

Hey Young Girls, don't fall for somebody unless they're there to happily catch you with both arms.

25. She not only understands, but respects, the wonderful food that is pizza.

Call me a crisp-o-phile, but I like eating pizza in the building where it has just been cooked.

26. She really just ‘gets it’ when it comes to the minds of cats:

Cats always need to be on the other side of you and you are the only bridge.

28. She encourages everyone to pursue their secret passions, whatever they may be:

My secret dream is to be a tenor sax soloist who plays when two people do it on the soaps.

I wanna be a full time writer/producer/director of those commercials where ladies have a work presentation but their cadooch has itch/odor.

@perlapell: I want to bring 70's leisure suits back for hipster lesbians such as myself.

31. She inspires us all by sharing her embarrassing personal stories.

One time an old white couple in Burbank witnessed me loudly sing "pass the weed to your motherfuckin' man" at a stoplight.

One time I tripped in Madison Square Garden and tried to catch my fall across the entire carpeted lobby before biting it.

33. She inspires us with her drive and ambition each and every day.

I just blew dry my hair and now I need a two day bed rest. So sweaty. So winded. So stunning. (I look like Edgar Winter with a busom)

34. Paula Pell: Tweeting national treasure.

Dance like no one is watching. Eat like no one knows you already ate ten minutes ago.

Do yourself a favor and follow her now.

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