1. “Hi, can we get a table for nine? Two adults, seven kids.”
2. “No, you’re not breaking up, the WAITER just keeps interrupting me.”
3. “Hey, don’t I know you?”
Yeah, I’m the guy who just asked you what entree you want. Stop taking a picture and read the menu.
4. “What is this ‘tipping’? We don’t have it in my country.”
Regardless of whether it should or shouldn’t be, gratuity’s not included in the bill here, buddy. Fifteen percent.
5. “Yes, I’ll have the cheeseburger, but can you replace the patty with four mozzarella sticks?”
7. “It has been TEN MINUTES! Where’s my well-done steak?!”
Buddy, you can have it quick or you can have it well-done. Take your pick.
8. “Yeah, I’ll have — hurr hurr guys shut up, I’m gonna do it — I’ll have a water, with seven lemon wedges.”
9. “I said MEDIUM-RARE, not bleeding! I want to speak to the chef.”
Of course, ma’am, I’ll bring out the chef and you can teach him what his 19 years of professional culinary experience haven’t.
10. “My steak was overcooked, and I refuse to pay for it. It took me the whole steak to realize it.”
11. “No dessert, but another round of waters, please. We’ll be here a while.”
Sure, no problem. I’ll just be over here watching that family of paying customers get seated in someone else’s section.
12. “But I didn’t order those sliders, I just assumed they were on the house. They were delicious, though, thank you!”
14. “$21.32 on the VISA, $25.64 on the Amex, $17 out of this twenty, $8.23 out of this twenty, and can you make change for a fifty?”
17. “I didn’t tip you because I just don’t tip.”
18. “I didn’t tip you because of my religious beliefs.”
“I give God 10%, why do you get 18?”
19. “Our customer was an unreasonable jerk, so you’re fired.”
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