An opening theme tune that sounds like a piano falling down a flight of stairs.
“I love Jeffrey.”
“My friend Cressenda is having an art installation about the downfall of the Soviet Union in a beautiful windmill, but they urgently need hors d’oeuvres!”
The background music you hear in every single episode then starts kicking in.
“This is just so easy to make.”
“This adds so much flavour.”
“Add a quarter of a pot of yoghurt.”
“So much flavour.”
“This yoghurt just has so much flavour.”
You start wondering why Ina always wears black clothing.
“Salt” (the camera zooms into a significant of salt).
“Pepper” (the camera zooms into a significant of pepper).
“The salt and pepper really adds a lot of flavour.”
“How [insert any word in the English language here] is that?”
Advert break. You briefly see the outside of Ina’s house and you know how old this episode is according to what house she is currently living in.
“So Jeffrey is writing a book. This is fantastic, so Barbara is coming round for a light lunch and then we’re going to make him a surprise barbecue on a beach!”
The other background music you hear in every single episode of the Barefoot Contessa starts kicking in whilst she is cooking.
“Add a stick of butter.”
“This is going to taste so fantastic. How good does this look?”
Somebody in the room you are watching Barefoot Contessa in starts asking you why the show is caused Barefoot Contessa. You roll your eyes, but then you slowly realise that you do not know why it is called the Barefoot Contessa.
You start wondering why Ina is always having a friend (that you only ever see in one episode) over for dinner and why nobody decides to ever cook for Ina or invite them round their house instead.
“This takes absolutely no time and takes absolutely no effort.”
Ina shoves all the ingredients into a massive blender and starts shouting.
Ina then starts self-congratulating her own cooking.
“This looks fantastic.”
“I’ve asked my good friend Leonardo to come round and set the table for lunch.”
You wonder why on earth someone called Leonardo is coming round to set the table and debate whether setting a table for other people is a career in the Hamptons.
Leonardo appears on the screen. He looks uncomfortable as he’s probably got very little television presenting experience. Everything is rather awkward.
He then gives advice such as: “Make sure that when you purchase decorative table mats they suit your velvet curtains. You wouldn’t want them to clash.”
Ina is still cooking. You start wondering why the attendance of the beach barbacue seems to be five people but it seems as if she’s cooking food for 300 people.
Next scene is one on the beach. It looks absolutely freezing. It’s either February or it looks like The Hamptons is about to be struck by a category 4 hurricane.
Everyone clamours round the barbecue and eats. Ina laughs at absolutely everything that people are saying to her and whatever Ina says about her food leads her to start laughing herself. She then eats and goes “MMmMmmMFFF.”
Jeffrey isn’t there. You always wonder why Jeffrey isn’t there. Where does Jeffrey work? You read a rumour on the internet that he has a super important job but you can’t remember what, so you tell the person next to you that he was in charge of nuclear missiles during the Nixon administration.
“This looks fantastic. How easy was that?”
Cuts back to Ina making more food.
“Half a cup of olive oil”.
“ADD SOME SALT.”
Cuts back to Ina. Jeffrey walks into the kitchen and sees Ina and for some reason your heart starts to melt and you don’t exactly know why. Ina and Jeffrey then kiss.
You find out that Jeffrey is going to surprise their 45th wedding anniversary by buying her a tent or something. Ina decides makes him a surprise meal that he can reheat whilst she is away. You start to wonder why Jeffrey can’t cook for himself.
Jeffrey is told that she has made him a surprise meal.
“Jeffrey loves chicken.”
You wonder why Jeffrey always seems to be surprised at the fact that Ina says is making him a surprise, when this happens every single episode.
A scene consisting of Jeffrey wearing sunglasses attempting to put up a $20 tent.
The tent is shown to Ina. Ina is thrilled because it reminds them of a camping trip they took in 1974 in Vietnam or something. “Wow. This is fabulous” she says.
“Welcome to ‘Ask Ina’. Where viewers start tell me their cooking problems by email or video and I’ll try to solve them. And for some reason all of the contributions are about the specific foods that I’ve been cooking this episode.”
Ina presses the space bar on her computer to open every email and video.
She answers the question. She then presses space and another video pops up. You start to wonder how Ina can manage a computer better than you can.
Jeffrey is wearing sunglasses and meets Ina. Ina jokes that Jeffrey is going to starve without Ina’s cooking and Ina laughs. Ina then says goodbye to Jeffrey.
It is late at night. Jeffrey is alone and is following Ina’s instructions of how to make a meal she has pre-cooked for him earlier.
Jeffrey makes a special effort to say absolutely every single thought he is having in his head right now, such as “Ina has said that I should put this into the oven. I will now put this meal into the oven. This food is in the oven.” He is also pretending to act like he is alone even though an entire camera crew is in attendance filming his monologue.
Cuts to Ina. “I hope that Jeffrey knows how to cook my food. I love Jeffrey.”
The episode ends. You will watch another 374 episodes of Barefoot Contessa because every single episode is exactly the same.