So there is this app called Timehop.
It shows the photos you took on your phone and the social media updates you shared exactly one year ago, two years ago and so on. You would think using that this app would be a good thing. An app showing you your greatest hits. Your funniest lines. Right?
Wrong. Here’s why.
1. It makes you worried about how fast life goes.
Before you think that I predicted these tweets, every Timehop in this post is fake.
2. Your brother’s graduation? Your mate’s wedding? Photos of Harry Styles biographies you took in a bookshop while you were drunk, for some reason you can no longer remember?
Two years ago. That’s right. Two years ago :(
And before you ask, yes I do have photos of various Harry Styles biographies taken on my phone while drunk and I can’t remember why they are there.
3. You then see how much time you’ve wasted trying to garner retweets by tweeting while watching TV. These tweets look weird without the context.
Legal clarification: Masterchef has never contained any homophobic cakes.
4. Followed by stalkerish tweets to celebrities that you didn’t realise were visible to absolutely everyone.
5. Shorly followed by tweets and Facebook posts mentioning diehard crushes that were never reciprocated.
These are crushes that ripped your heart out at the time but you’d since forgotten about. Now you’re reading this and suddenly your heart is quite heavy. Now you’re on their Facebook page again. Oh god why are you here?
6. You will then find Oprah style life advice you tweeted to others to make yourself feel better about these doomed crushes.
These truthbombs will now make you cringe to death, mainly because the advice you gave at the time makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
7. Scroll further back and will you see all the things you tweeted before you learnt that some things are best not shared on the internet.
But can you be bothered to delete them? Nah. You’ll get round to it later.
8. This is then followed by tweets that could get you fired if your colleagues ever found out and told your boss.
9. Further back? Your language. Your language is horrific.
10. Further back still, tweets from when you didn’t understand the internet so you just shouted into oblivion.
11. And the worst updates on your Timehop? Various photos of you in nightclubs looking like you’ve wet yourself.
12. And yet, somehow, no matter how much Timehop makes you cringe with embarrassment, you can’t bring yourself to delete it. You just can’t.
You see a notification every single morning. You breathe in and reluctantly open Timehop. You start scrolling. Sometimes you’re satisfied. Occasionally you’re dissatisfied. Usually you’re horrified.
You thought your teenage diary was bad. You haven’t seen anything yet.