1. We burn most of our calories from rolling our eyes...
2. ... and holding a STRONG resting bitch face.
3. If you think we're judging you, we're definitely judging you.
4. We're not just fluent in sarcasm; it's the ONLY language we can speak.
5. Not smiling because we hate you all also has the benefit of not causing any wrinkles.
6. If you have to ask us a question, the answer is probably an emphatic "NO."
7. We can communicate with just a look. This means "please stop talking"...
8. ... and this means "you have a bowl of macaroni and cheese for a brain."
9. We have to indulge in at least one alcoholic beverage every day. It's not a drinking problem, it's a drinking solution for putting up with everyone.
10. Occasionally we feel a moment of liking someone come on, but to be honest, we don't like it. It makes us nauseous.
11. The best way to get someone's attention isn't to yell but to speak softly and clearly. That TERRIFIES people.
12. When you ask us "Is everything OK?" and we say "Yes" we really just mean "Yes, until you asked me that question."
13. We prefer to avoid going out to public spaces on the weekends, because there are so SO so many regular people out there...
14. ... but if we do, you can bet we'll be wearing sunglasses, or just glaring at people judging them. Maybe both.
15. And if we have a sour look on our face, it's probably because we're sick. Sick of your shit, that is.
16. Our one true dream is a checkout line for people like us who have their shit together.
17. To keep things exciting, we'll sometimes mix in some serious side-eye to balance out all the resting bitch face we deliver.
18. If we had a superpower, it would be getting out of plans with people we don't like.
19. If it seems like we're being nice to you, we're actually just being passive-aggressive. It's a coping mechanism.
We don't have time to be mince words.
20. We wear headphones not just to listen to music but also so people will stop bothering us with their onslaught of annoying questions.
21. When we ignore you, we're not trying to be rude. It's just that we really, REALLY don't want to talk to you, and you can't take a hint.
22. We're actually capable of love, but there is no one we'll ever love more than ourselves.
23. We hate pretty much everyone, but at the top of our hate list are loud chewers, slow walkers, and bad drivers.
24. We know you think we're dicks/bitches/even worse. But really, we just don't care.
25. In college, we majored in not giving a shit and minored in dramatically saying "Whatever."
26. And finally, there actually IS a reason we hate everyone. We're just waiting for everyone else to get on our level.
