1. You can eat pizza. Cannibalizing your significant other is usually frowned upon.
2. Pizza is covered in cheese. Your S.O. hopefully is not.
3. If your pizza is warm, greasy, and gooey, that’s a good thing. If your S.O. is warm, greasy, and gooey, that is not a good thing.
4. Drunk eating: messy, but good. Drunk sexing: just messy.
5. Pizza always wants to be eaten. A S.O. sometimes has a “mood” and doesn’t want to talk to you.
6. Pizza is quiet and respectful. You can’t get into a screaming match with pizza.
7. You don’t have to buy chocolates and roses for pizza on Valentine’s Day. You just eat it.
8. You don’t have to argue with pizza over what you are watching on Netflix.
9. Pizza won’t get mad at you like your S.O. would if you start seeing (eating) someone else.
10. Pizza will never leave the toilet seat up.
11. Pizza always wants to snuggle with you — in your mouth.
12. Pizza is ALWAYS excited to try new positions — folding it in half, cutting it into pieces, eating the crust first.
13. Also, pizza loves to “experiment.” Why not try some pizza with meatballs on top? S.O.s aren’t always down for the same.
14. Pizza will love you unconditionally, no matter what.
15. Pizza will love you when you’re no longer young and beautiful.
16. Pizza cannot cheat on you.
17. Pizza will not fart in bed.
18. When your slice of pizza wants you to meet its family, you know what that means: more pizza. Not the same when your S.O. brings you home to meet the folks.
19. You can have as much pizza as you want. Polygamy, however, is a big no-no.
20. Pizza tastes better in your mouth.
21. Pizza won’t dump you.
22. Pizza always smells good. Pizza doesn’t get B.O.
23. You can’t get an STD from pizza.
24. Pizza won’t get jealous when it sees you talking to another slice of pizza.
25. Pizza won’t get mad at you if you don’t text it back. In fact, you never have to text pizza back.
26. Sometimes, you need to be alone. Pizza gets that.
27. There’s never an issue of age difference with pizza. It’s good hot out of the oven, and it’s good cold the next morning.
28. Pizza won’t hog all the covers in bed.
29. You cannot hurt pizza’s feelings.
30. Pizza is always hot and ready, provided there is a microwave nearby. Sometimes, your S.O. “isn’t in the mood.”
31. You never have to wear protection when eating pizza. At worst, you’ll burn the roof of your mouth.
32. There is no such thing as an awkward first date with pizza.
33. Also, you never have to worry whether or not you’ll score with pizza at the end of the night.
34. Pizza won’t use up all the hot water in the shower.
35. There’s no argument with pizza as to whose house you are going to over holidays.
36. Pizza thinks you’re pretty without any makeup on.
37. Pizza wants to be inside of you.
38. You actually will want to swallow pizza.
39. Pizza doesn’t need you to put a ring on it.
40. People will not mind if you PDA with your pizza. They will mind if you PDA with your S.O.
41. Pizza is pizza. Your S.O. is not pizza.