1. You’ll learn how to make friends, and more important, friends that will last your entire life.
2. You’ll learn that some friendships will fade away too, and that’s OK.
3. How to time doing your laundry so you can do it at the last possible minute without having to wear any dirty clothes.
4. How to drink, and then how to handle drunk people (including yourself).
5. How to pretend to like cheap beer, cheap wine, and most important, cheap liquor.
6. How to make a mixed drink that appropriately masks the taste of cheap liquor, but also gets you HAMMERED.
7. How to hit that sweet spot of drunk where you’re having a total blast, but you’re also not a total mess.
8. Also, how to deal with a hangover.
9. How to interact with people who are very, very different from you. You’ll also learn to respect them, even if you won’t be friends with them.
10. How to fall in love, but also how to have your heart broken.
11. You’ll learn how to drink the correct amount of coffee that you’re awake, but your pulse isn’t racing. Or Red Bull, if that’s your thing.
12. How to get the maximum amount of work done on the least amount of sleep.
13. Also, just how to operate on very little sleep in general.
14. How to play beer pong, and flip cup, and basically any drinking game in general.
15. How to shotgun a beer.
16. How to have school spirit. Most importantly, this includes learning your alma mater or fight song, but also attend games and wear clothing with your school’s monogram.
17. How to accept failure when the going gets tough.
18. How to regain the faith, because you’re the shit, after all.
19. You’ll learn how to participate in class without doing the reading or owning the textbook (you shouldn’t be spending money on it, after all).
20. How to start a paper at the last possible minute, and finish it on time.
21. How to do the least amount of work possible in class to pass.
22. How to pull an all-nighter.
23. How to write a paper that is EXACTLY the minimum length a professor requires.
24. How to negotiate, because you’ll need to get an extension on a deadline or get your professor to bump up your grade.
25. How to talk to a professor outside of the classroom, because that is where you will learn the most from them.
26. How to hook up with someone without emotions getting involved (JK, they definitely will.)
27. How to sexile your roommate, or how to have sex in your room without waking up your roommate.
28. How to deal with being sexiled.
29. You’ll learn how to not get into a blowup argument with your roommate, or at least learn how not to strangle them.
30. Also, how to live away from home for the first time.
31. How to be away from your high school friends and more important, how to be away from your family.
32. How to call your mom and dad when you just need someone to talk to.
33. How to get alcohol when you aren’t 21, and how to get into a bar when you aren’t 21.
34. How to order a drink at a bar.
35. How to have a conversation at a bar when the music is super, duper loud.
36. How to join a club, or student group, or intramural team, and try something new — and not spend your time watching Netflix in your dorm in the process.
37. How to decorate a dorm room on a budget, and in the process how to assemble Ikea furniture.
38. You’ll learn how to bullshit out loud, in writing, and on your resume.
39. How to handle an interview. You think you learn this in a classroom, but you don’t. The same goes for finding an internship, and then a job.
40. How to throw a party — on a budget. Also, how to throw a THEMED party on a budget.
41. Finding events where you will get free food.
42. Surviving on a diet of mainly ramen, pizza, and mac and cheese, and maybe a little peanut butter and Nutella thrown in for good measure.
43. And maybe a little peanut butter and Nutella thrown in for good measure.
44. You’ll learn how to gain the Freshman 15, and then how to lose it. Staying in shape after high school when you don’t have the structure of after-school sports is HARD.
45. Purchasing as much food for as little as possible.
46. Maintaining a budget. Just kidding, spending most of your money on alcohol and still surviving.
47. Completing that one campus challenge — you know the one — and not getting in trouble.
48. How to accept that your GPA doesn’t define who you are.
49. You will realize that while college is amazing, there is a life after graduation.
50. It probably will be difficult and trying, but you’ll be able to handle it — because you handled four years at college.
51. How to have a night you won’t remember.
52. And also four years you will never forget, because they are the most fun, insane, crazy years of your life.