1. Pizza that has the nutritional value of salad.
2. A full meal that is as easy to cook as mac n’ cheese.
3. A Keurig, but for wine.
4. A Keurig, but for beer.
5. A Brita filter that turns water into vodka.
6. A smartphone app that tells you when you can do your laundry at your absolute latest.
7. Clothes that don’t get dirty so you don’t have to do laundry.
8. Or at least underwear that doesn’t get dirty.
9. Instagram, but for your resume — i.e., you can put a “filter” on your resume to make it look better.
10. A dating app with only the 12 people in the world that you want to date.
11. A dating app with only people you SHOULD date.
12. Mimosas that also cure your hangover.
13. An iPhone that doesn’t shatter.
14. An iPhone with a flattering flash.
15. An outfit that you feel comfortable wearing at work, at Happy Hour, and also on a date.
16. Or at least jeans that magically are appropriate for any social occasion.
17. An app that combines Tinder and LinkedIn.
18. An app that tells you exactly what you should be doing with your life right now.
19. A device that tells you who is single around you.
20. A device that tells you who is single and attracted to you.
21. A resume that updates itself on its own.
22. LinkedIn, but just for people with a liberal arts degree.
23. Netflix, but for sex.
24. Netflix, but for dating.
25. A pet service that allows you to have a puppy only when you want it, so you are not responsible for keeping it alive.
26. Jars of peanut butter that refill themselves.
27. Jars of Nutella that refill themselves.
28. A special website that provides HBO Go and Netflix passwords when you need them for free.
29. Autocorrect that actually works when you are drunk.
30. Autocorrect that prevents you from saying something stupid to your crush.
31. A phone that translates whatever your crush is texting to you.
32. A phone that tells you exactly what someone means when they send you weird emojis. EXACTLY.
33. A bluetooth device you secretly wear in your ear that tells you how to flirt properly.
34. A special teleporter so you can visit your college friends in other cities whenever you want.
35. Student loans that magically disappear.
36. Or student loans that have “parole” and can be paid off for good behavior.
37. A “How To Be An Adult” manual that tells you how to be an adult in random, scary situations.
38. A car that runs on empty beer cans.
39. Or empty pizza boxes.
40. A breathalyzer that tells you when you reach that magic level of drunk where you’re having a great time, but also won’t get sick or hungover.
41. Perpetual happy hours.
42. Discounts at restaurants for twentysomethings.
43. Actually, discounts EVERYWHERE for twentysomethings.
44. A phone that magically reminds you to call your parents.
45. iPhones that magically recharge themselves.
46. Or iPhones that at least have the battery life of a Furby.
47. A vocal filter that only allows you to say good things in an interview.
48. A device that allows you to get out of annoying group texts.
49. A device that consolidates all of your Facebook chats, texts, and Gchats.
50. An iPhone with a front camera that makes you look better instead of worse.
51. Contacts that let you see the world in Instagram filters.
52. A quiz that actually, legitimately tells you what you should be doing with your life now.
53. A quiz that actually, legitimately tells you who you should be dating right now.
54. A website that posts snarky, sassy articles about people in your life you don’t like.
55. An app that asks “are you sure” before sending messages to family members in case you accidentally send your grandma nudes.
56. Yoga lessons you can watch on Youtube and then miraculously gain all the flexibility.
57. An app that translates your tweets into something that is ACTUALLY clever and funny.
58. An app that tells you EXACTLY when to leave a location so you arrive at the perfectly acceptable time, regardless of traffic.
59. Clothes at the price of Forever 21 and H&M that don’t fall apart easily.
60. A new exercise craze that requires you to be drunk, aka “drunkercizing.”
61. Business formal or casual clothing that is actually, secretly sweatpants.
62. A device that stops time so you can have a summer vacation like when you were a kid.
63. A shampoo that prevented you from getting a gray hair until you are at least 30.
64. An electric rod you can poke your boss with that magically makes them value your worth as a human being, because damn straight, you are awesome.
65. Mandatory nap time.
66. A mandatory pat on the back and a hug when you are having a bad day, especially when job hunting.
67. Mandatory “friend time” so you don’t go too long without seeing your friends that have moved to all different places.
68. A cash bonus for surviving every year of your twenties.
69. And a matching trophy, because twentysomethings are BADASS survivors.