1. Come on then, Broadchurch Series Two. Let's see what you've got up your sleeve.
2. It's a shame I can't remember who 90% of the characters are.
3. God I love Olivia Colman.
4. Hmm, Joe Miller. Wasn't expecting to see him again. Oh well, once he's pleaded guilty he'll be packed off to jail and that'll be the end of his storyline.
5. What do you mean you weren't the only one, Joe? Were there other killers? Just tell the vicar, FFS.
6. Oh good, the court case. Let's get this one wrapped up early so we can all move on with our lives.
7. NOT guilty? Don't start, Broadchurch.
8. Never mind. He was found with Danny's phone and he literally confessed to doing it at the end of the last series, so nothing can possible go wrong.
9. Oh hey, it's Eve Myles! I remember her from Torchwood.
10. Gah, not that bloody Sandbrook case again.
11. I don't like the look of this defence lawyer.
12. Surely she'll take one look at Joe's file and realise there's no possible hope of defending him, though.
13. Balls.
14. It's okay though, Charlotte Rampling will save us.
15. Come on Charlotte, take the damn case.
16. Ah I see, these two have got history and stuff.
17. Yep, it's definitely shaping up to be an horrendously frustrating 8-episode-long courtroom fight to the death.
18. And as if the Latimer's misery couldn't get any worse, they're now digging up Danny's body as well. Jesus.
19. This show is almost as depressing as "EastEnders".
20. Right, so Jocelyn just gave a pre-trial pep talk to the Latimers & Co about no secrets staying hidden, and it was actually followed by close-ups of each character in the room looking shifty. Really, Broadchurch?
21. Gah, this trial isn't going to go well, is it?
22. Oh, that's great Mark. Spending unusual one-on-one time with the son of the man who murdered Danny while there's a court case going on, that's bound to work out well.
23. Hang on, what's all this talk about police brutality? Joe already confessed before Miller beat him up.
24. No, you stupid defence lawyer, she wasn't trying beat a confession out of him. She was just a little bit angry, probably because she'd just found out her once beloved husband was actually a child murderer.
25. How is this going so badly wrong already?
26. Oh great, that's the confession out the window then. Brilliant.
27. This series is making me a lot angrier than the last one did.
28. And now back to the Sandbrook case, which I definitely don't care about at all the moment.
29. Yep, great idea Hardy. Get Lee and Claire alone in a room together, I'm sure absolutely nothing will go wrong with that.
30. And also, why don't you stop yelling at Miller all the time?
31. NO BETH, NOT NOW.
32. Aaaannnd, they've gone. Well done Hardy, you BIG IDIOT, that was your fault.
33. This whole business with Claire and Lee Ashworth is confusing me already. Is he abusive? Is he the murderer? You can tell we're meant to think he's a bad guy – he's aggressive, he seems incapable of smiling and he's got sort of mean-looking eyes – but is that all actually just a red herring?
34. Good work Miller, helping Beth give birth even while she hurls abuse at you. Maybe after you've helped her with the baby she'll calm down a bit and realise none of this is your fault.
35. Or maybe not.
36. Never mind Miller, maybe a fun night out on the town will cheer you up.
37. Or... not. Oh God.
38. That one night stand was quite possibly the saddest, most depressing sex scene in television history.
39. Claire is totally suspicious. I don't know what she's up to, but I don't buy her story.
40. You can't question people like that in court!
41. I mean, can you?
42. I don't know a single thing about how court works, but I'm pretty sure you can't.
43. No, they obviously weren't having an affair. How is everything getting so maddeningly twisted?
44. God I hate that defence lawyer.
45. Things literally couldn't be going more wrong.
46. Almost 90% of the shots of Lee Ashworth so far have been of him standing a long way away in a field, staring at people and looking a bit ominous.
47. This relationship between him and Claire is getting weirder and weirder, too. It's all a bit "Fifty Shades of Grey".
48. So did Hardy actually sleep with Claire?
49. Pauline Quirke's back! Nope, I definitely can't remember a thing about her character or the weird vendetta she has with her son.
50. Time to take a journey to Sandbrook. Sort of like a road-trip, only without the fun.
51. Great, more characters/suspects. I'm struggling enough as it is to keep track of all the current ones, not to mention the two disconnected storylines.
52. Oh good, back to this teeth-grittingly annoying trial.
53. Jesus Pauline, things were already going badly enough before you showed up.
54. Oh you are such a liar.
55. How is it possible for a TV programme to be so frustrating?
56. And don't even get me started on that smug defence lawyer, she's pretty much the worst person in the world.
57. I think I might hate her even more than Joe.
58. I wouldn't be surprised if SHE murdered Danny.
59. Her lanky sidekick isn't much better, either.
60. I genuinely can't remember the last time a TV show made me this angry.
61. Despite how rage-inducing Joe's trial is, though, I still prefer it to the Sandbrook storyline.
62. I don't like any of the Sandbrook characters, they're all weird and confusing.
63. Did they all just have sex with each other and play hide-and-seek all the time?
64. I reckon they were ALL involved in the murders.
65. Any why is Lee Ashworth constantly working on that fence, anyway? Is someone paying him to do it, or does he just really like fence-building?
66. Finally, something good is happening at court. Take that, Pauline Quirke.
67. Mark Latimer may be an awful husband, but he sure is chiselled.
68. Hang on, how did Hardy and Miller get to this slaughter house building thing again? I'm completely lost.
69. And how did Hardy NOT go to the slaughter house ONCE in the months he was meant to be obsessing over Sandbrook?
70. For someone who was so all-consumed with the Sandbrook case that he ended up wrecking his marriage/life over it, Hardy really was quite sloppy.
71. Or maybe it's just that Miller is shit-hot.
72. Yeah, that's probably it.
73. #TeamMiller.
74. Urg, Miller's son has turned into a right little douche. Why's he piping up in court all of a sudden?
75. Shut up, Tom. I know you've had a rough time of it and everything, but you're behaving like a real dick.
76. Yes Miller! You tell him.
77. Olivia Colman really is a ridiculously good actress.
78. I think the whole show should just be about her.
79. She can do angry and distraught with equal ease, AND she can do funny.
80. Not so much in Broadchurch, obviously, but I'll always remember her playing Harriet Schulenberg in "Green Wing".
81. God I miss "Green Wing".
82. Claire's got the pendant! I have no idea what it means, but I'm pretty sure it's important somehow.
83. No Olly, don't sleep with that nasty lawyer! You're so much better than that.
84. Oh great, and now she's found some game-changing evidence. Typical.
85. Did Abby actually just say, "Bad luck, shagging your son tonight." to Olly's Mum?! She really is the absolute worst.
86. Best line of the series by far: "Abby, I just wanted to say... I think you're a horrible person."
87. Wow, Hardy is going full Liam Neeson in this penultimate episode.
88. Not so cocky now, are you Ashworth?
89. Blimey, him and Claire are really battering the shit out of each other.
90. And Lee just implied he knows someone in France! Does that mean whats-her-name's still alive? It has to mean that, right?
91. On a side note, I definitely wasn't expecting that out-of-the-blue romantic storyline between Jocelyn and Maggie. I'm pretty sure I even thought they were related at one point.
92. Have the jury reached a verdict yet? No, of course they bloody haven't.
93. Oh God, I can't handle this tension.
94. Great, there are only five minutes left of the episode. Just enough time for them to reveal the verdict?
95. Come on foreman, SPIT IT OUT.
96. ARRRRGGGGGG!!!????£$%^???*&%*!!!!!!!!!!!%££@%!!!!!!!?!!!!!! *punches cushion*
97. FUCK YOU, BROADCHURCH.
98. Right, I'm never watching this programme again.
99. Except for next week's finale, when I'll definitely, 100% be tuning in.
100. Surely they can't just find Joe guilty, can they? That would pretty much mean all that court stuff up until now was a complete waste of time.
101. Urg, nope I bet they'll let him off. That'd just be bloody typical.
102. So, after just seven excruciating weeks of waiting, here we are at the last episode.
103. Look at that smug foreman, calmly finding Danny's murderer not guilty. We actually SAW HIM DO IT, he IS guilty. Why can't you hear me shouting at you through the screen?
104. Well I hope you're happy, jury. You really bollocksed that whole thing up.
105. I really want something bad to happen to that defence lawyer.
106. In fact why can't the whole courtroom just inexplicably collapse right now, instantly killing everyone inside? That'd be a good ending.
107. Maybe I need to calm down.
108. Right, flashback time. Hopefully a decent conclusion to this never-ending Sandbrook case will cheer me up.
109. That's it Lee, you really showed that skinny, disturbed teenager that you're all man.
110. Yep, and now him and Lisa are going to have sex. Because nothing's quite as much of a turn on as a bit of spilled blood on the old shirt.
111. Hang on, this is escalating quickly.
112. I know Lee Ashworth is meant to be a bad guy, but would he really resort to murder quite so easily?
113. That all felt a bit rushed, tbh.
114. Like really, really rushed. And why did Lee imply he knew someone in France in the last episode if Lisa was actually dead all along? And why was Ricky sending bluebells to Claire the whole time, anyway?
115. Oh screw it, I'm past caring. Hopefully Joe's storyline will have a better resolution.
116. Yes, we know you were found innocent Joe, but that doesn't mean you are innocent, does it?
117. Don't even try to protest, you're getting a trip to Sheffield instead of a life sentence.
118. I wonder why they chose Sheffield.
119. That's right, good riddance. Now everyone can be happy and move on with their lives, right Broadchurch?
120. Hang on, what do you mean "Broadchurch will return"? Hasn't everyone suffered enough?
121. Series three?!
122. Wow, they're really pushing their luck now.
123. Maybe I won't watch it.
124. Not sure my nerves can take another eight episodes.
125. Oh, who the hell am I kidding.
