1. Set your alarm approximately 1.5 hours early, so that you can perform your delicate lens-to-eyeball insertions uninterrupted.
2. Wash your hands with the thoroughness of an overly-thorough surgeon.
Getting bacteria in your eye is a no-no, but even trace amounts of soap will STING like a BITCH.
3. Remove your glasses.
Gaze blearily at the undefined world around you and consider how long you would have survived in prehistoric times with eyesight this bad.
4. Briefly fail to recognise your own blurry reflection.
5. Put your glasses back on because you can’t remember where you put your contact lenses.
6. Find your lenses and give them a good shake.
They’ve been soaking in solution all night, but you’ve seen other people shaking their lenses, so you do it, too.
7. Remove a contact lens from the container and balance it on your fingertip.
Do this WHILE EXPOSING IT TO AS LITTLE CONTACT WITH YOUR BACTERIA-LADEN HANDS AS IS POSSIBLE.
8. Examine it closely to ensure that it’s concave side up.
9. Panic because you’ve forgotten the difference between ‘concave’ and ‘convex’.
10. Rejoice because you’ve remembered that convex means ‘curved outwards’!
And then sigh, because you’re holding your lens convex side up.
11. Flip the contact lens inside-out and rinse with a little saline solution.
WHILE EXPOSING IT TO AS LITTLE CONTACT WITH YOUR DISGUSTING SAUSAGE-FINGERS AS IS POSSIBLE. It’s tiny. It’s fiddly. You may feel the rage starting to build at this point. Just breathe.
12. Pinion your eyelashes open with your fingers.
13. Gently lob the contact lens in the direction of your eyeball.
… Concentrate. Concentrate …
14. Then someone hammers on the door, yelling at you for hogging the bathroom, and you react appropriately.
15. Think “Phew, lucky that happened just after I’d managed to get my lens in my eye!”
16. Realise your lens isn’t in your eye.
17. Scour the floor for that stray lens.
Don’t forget to check your face, hair, and body, and all bathroom surfaces.
18. The whole time, this is still going on outside the bathroom door.
19. Wonder how hard it can be to find it, really? I mean it’s only minuscule and transparent, and you’re only almost legally blind.
21. Frantically claw at your eye in an attempt to remove it.
22. Slowly allow reason to return, and realise that it’s probably not stuck behind your eye.
23. Put your glasses back on and go to work.
24. Spend the entire day with the niggling worry that your contact lens is slowly travelling up your optic nerve and will kill you when it hits your brain.
25. Wake up the next morning, still alive.
26. Absently wonder what that weird crispy thing attached to your ear is.
27. And find your contact lens.