The 18 Stages Of Visiting A Farmers’ Market

Ironic Scotch egg, anyone?

1. You grow weary of your local supermarket’s corporate blandness, with its faceless customer service automatons and suspiciously fresh-looking imported produce.

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2. You start to worry that, by not actively supporting local food producers, you’re becoming some sort of sheeple.

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3. So you make like a upstanding citizen and visit a nearby farmers’ market. And suddenly, you can’t understand why you’re not always at a farmers’ market.

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4. You feel so outdoorsy! All the stallholders are smiling at you! And you smile beatifically back at everyone, knowing you’re all doing your own little bit to support local producers.

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5. All the vegetables look knobbly and interesting, the way vegetables are supposed to look.

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6. They’re even giving away free samples of artisan foods. My god, why don’t you shop here every week?!

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7. And EVERYTHING SMELLS OF SAUSAGES. Farmers’ markets, you decide, are like little slices of heaven.

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8. Then you actually try to buy a cabbage, and realise that each one is £10. Also the stallholder wants to tell you the entire life story of the cabbage, his cabbage farm, and his very fine beard.

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9. The man at the ironically-named Scotch egg stall similarly attempts to engage you in slightly too much conversation.

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10. Unfortunately, you can’t hear him over this guy.

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11. And this guy.

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12. And this guy right here.

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13. On your way to the organic cronut stall you fall victim to a pushchair hit-and-run, then get your legs tangled in a chihuahua’s lead.

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14. You start to become weirded out by the number of people wearing crocs.

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15. You buy some handcrafted focaccia, a jar of olives and one heirloom tomato before you totally run out of cash.

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16. Which is just as well, because it slowly dawns on you that, if it’s not an expensive vegetable or an artisan baked good, you probably won’t be able to find it at this market.

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17. So you swing by the supermarket on the way home for everything you need that isn’t chard.

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18. And, hating yourself slightly, you actually find yourself looking forward to the self-checkout because it won’t tell you all about its beard and ironic Scotch eggs.

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– Fin –

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