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    65 Things Overhead While Watching State Of Origin With Gay Men Who Know Nothing About Football

    "Oooh good kick ... Look at those buns."

    So rugby league's biggest event, the State of Origin, was on last night and it was as majestic as always.

    This year I decided to invite some friends who don't like sports to see what they thought of it. These are their stories.

    1. When I invited one friend over: "Ok, but Wednesday is my facemask night and I really can't move it around this week."

    (It should be noted that this man's father played rugby league for Australia)

    Before the match

    2. "Ok, I'm here for the football but I'm not staying for the whole thing because it's like the longest game ever."

    3. "Does somebody sing the anthem? Who is it this year?"

    4. "Who would be your dream Origin anthem singer?"

    "Julie Andrews."

    "Sylvie Paladino. She does an amazing rendition of O Holy Night."

    5. "My favourite thing about the NRL is its association with Jess Mauboy."

    6. "I like their strong thighs."

    7. A very long discussion about football team scarves

    8. "What if you're a shit-hot player and you originate from neither state?" (Actually a good question)

    9. Nicholas Hoult is beautiful… yes, and Charlize was amazing. (They'd started discussing Mad Max)

    10. *Sniffing scented candle* "Ooh. This is yummy."

    11. On Channel 9's Cameron Williams: "Oooh he is good looking! Look at those blue eyes."

    12. *Pointing at a shirtless man in the background* "YES YES YES"

    13. "Ooh someone should massage someone's hamstrings."

    14. "I'd let a lot of these guys do stuff to me"

    15. A pretty detailed impression of a master chef ad.

    16. On NSW coach Laurie Daley: "He looks tired."

    17. "So this is not the sport that David Pocock plays? So he won't be there tonight?"

    18. On Cameron Williams, again: "I think his eyes are extra blue tonight."

    19. On gambling ads: "I think this is inappropriate actually."

    20. "What a nice looking change room."

    21. "Tom Waterhouse actually has the most punchable face."

    22. Several minutes of objectification as they run through the players.

    The pre-match entertainment begins

    23. "What the fuck is this?"

    24. "That looks like Campbell Newman!"

    25. "I've seen enough football to know this is not tradition. They're just tacking this on."

    26. "It all looks a bit low-rent to me."

    27. *Shannon Noll is announced as the entertainment* "OH NO"

    28. "This is so bad."

    29. "I hope one of these backup singers does some sort of gay marriage protest.

    30. "Oh no. Giant flags."

    31. "They would have spent so much on flags and the effect was that they just bounced around the screen."

    32. "Oooh this is clunky."

    33. The flags start to form letters: "Ooh that D is a bit wonky. I've never hated the D so much in my life."

    34. *Insane cackling at the terrible pre-show entertainment.*

    35. *Sees Queensland player Aidan Guerra* "Oh, I had Mexican for dinner tonight."

    36. During a closeup of Queensland legend Gordon Tallis: "Too close"

    37. "Darryn Lockyer looks really good in a suit. If he had pursued architecture, he'd be someone you could take home to your mum."

    38. "Are Phil Gould and Gus Gould the same person?"

    39. "Who's that?"

    40. Just before kick off we all applied the aforementioned camomile concentrate anti-blemish facemasks from Aesop*

    During the match

    41. "Such tight jerseys."

    42. The national anthem begins: "Oh it's the guys from Cats."

    43. Someone giggles at the phrase "defending the northern end"

    44. "That guy is scary. He looks like The Hound from Game of Thrones."

    45. "Is it two halves?"

    46. "Cameron Smith is definitely gonna have dadbod when he's older."

    47. "Which player's shorts fit the best? I think it's Billy Slater."

    48. "When I went to the AFL I spent two quarters devoted to picking the hottest player. It was so boring.

    49. "I love that he's gone with the half-up-half-down hairstyle. like Ariana Grande."

    50. "Ooh good kick."

    51. "There's Cooper Cronk. He just did something. He's so handsome."

    52. "That camera shot was quite beautiful."

    53. "Oh look you can see his undies!"

    54. Cooper Cronk scores a try: "Look at those buns."

    55. "Whoa speccie! I know, speccies are a different sport. I know that. I'm just showing off my sport knowledge."

    56. "Oh Cooper you look so happy."

    57. A discussion of school sport quickly transitions to a discussion of school theatre.

    58. One friend leaves at half time because he "has to get up early for work."

    59. "So it's been 61 minutes. When does it stop?"

    60. "Go Blue etc etc."

    61. "Do you think you and [redacted] will get married when it's legal? Did you talk about it outside of a Glee episode?"

    62. Lots of giggling at the phrase "punched the hole" on commentary.

    63. "I feel like when I've watched this before the production values have been much higher. The grass looks so sketchy."

    64. "Billy Slater… more like… Billy Sick As Fuck …"

    65. "I just love makeup shops."