Who Said It: Morrissey Or Alan Partridge?

Two global superstars, two timeless autobiographies. Can you work out who said what?

  1. 1. "Naturally my birth almost kills my mother, for my head is too big."
  2. 2. "Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell."
  3. 3. "The human brain comprises 70% water, which means it's a similar consistency to tofu."
  4. 4. "I walk to the shop every day to buy things that I don't need, because I want the owner to still feel relied upon, rain or shine."
  5. 5. "St Mary's Secondary Modern School on Renton Road may indeed be secondary, but it is not modern."
  6. 6. "Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS."
  7. 7. "It was [childhood friend Anthony] who told me the reason why girls fluttered around me, and what it was that they wanted. He told me this because I didn't know, and even when I knew, I was less interested than when I didn't know."
  8. 8. "The father, Trevor, was an asthmatic, but what he lacked in being able to breath quietly, he more than made up for with parental skills."
  9. 9. "The doorbell rings and there stands Vanessa Redgrave … [she] then goes on about social injustice in Namibia, and how we must all build a raft by late afternoon — preferably out of coconut matting."
  10. 10. " I know how Joan of Arc felt."
  11. 11. "On the doorstep [she] asks me whether right or left would be the best direction to find a taxi, and although her best bet would be left, I suggest she turns right. It is churlish of me, but it is she who has set the pace."
  12. 12. "Like a good-looking John Merrick, mine was a face that looked really shit."
  13. 13. "I’d spend hours in HMV, Virgin Megastore and second-hand record shops staffed by greasy-haired 40-year-olds dressed as 20-year-olds … And I came to a startling but unshakeable conclusion: no genuinely good music has been created since 1988."

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