1. “You’re so lucky that you don’t have to shave every day.”
And you’re so lucky I haven’t yet kicked you in the face.
2. “I hate how itchy my beard is.”
Also, my swimming pool is too big, there aren’t enough days in the week to drive all my cars, and my girlfriend’s endless sex drive is getting in the way of my social life!
3. “You’ve grown a beard? Umm, where is it?”
Sticks and stones will break my bones, but slagging off my beard will make me die inside.
4. “I haven’t shaved since yesterday.”
As they stand there stroking their MASSIVE beard.
5. “Are you going to do Movember this year?”
Well I’d love to, but…
6. “I think you’d suit a beard.”
I know I’d suit a beard, but that’s not the point!
8. “Have you got something on your face? Oh…”
THIS TOOK ME TWO WEEKS!
9. “There’s a name for people who can’t grow beards. Women.”
So apparently there’s a correlation between having a beard and being a horrible person.
11. “You’re seriously not going to do Movember? It’s for charity!”
So I value not being ridiculed over raising money for cancer research. What are you gonna do about it?!
12. “It’ll come in time.”
That’s what I told myself 10 years ago.
13. “Have you ever thought about growing a beard?”
How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.