10 Things That Will DEFINITELY Happen To America In The Next 700 Years

Infallible predictions about pop culture, politics, sports, My Little Pony, and boobs.

Humans will develop the technology to time travel – but only to the year 1991.

Via soundcloud.com

Hear Reggie Watts, Dr. Mayim Bialik, and Right Said Fred take us back to a time when all we cared about was stone-washing our jeans and doing the Bartman.

All diseases will be eradicated – except for the heartbreakingly sexy common cold.

What happens when a scientist falls in love with the disease he’s trying to cure? See the torrid love affair between a man (David Wain) and his cold (Aimee Mann) here.

Immigration reform will finally pass - and will consist of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog guarding the border.

Natalie Salvia

Check out Triumph taking on every nationality in "the Great American Melting Poop."

No matter how many years pass, Cleveland will never win a Super Bowl, World Series, NBA Championship, or Intergalactic Plaque.

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Hear the Sklar Brothers sing Guyism's "Sports Anthem of the Year."

Women will live in the sci-fi future they envision, with kittens, emotions, and dudes with boobs (yes, dudes with boobs)!

Neko Case and Kelly Hogan’s sci-fi future also consists of an entire section of government devoted to inventing dope noodle shapes.

We’ll see our first female president... who also happens to be our first bisexual, Asian president.

Via soundcloud.com

Margaret Cho takes on comedy legends Dick Cavett, Joe Franklin, Dick Gregory, & Al Jaffee on “Mt. Rushmore.” Preview it here.

When Toymageddon hits, your old Beanie Baby collection will actually be worth something -- humanity's demise.

What do Ira Glass, Yo La Tengo, and Eugene Mirman have in common? A desire to SAVE HUMANITY FROM OUR PLAYTHINGS.

Andrew WK will live – and party – forever.

John DiRocco / Via soundcloud.com

Partying is next to godliness. Hear a brand new song from Andrew WK here.

President MacGruber!

Natalie Salvia

That's right, you heard us.

And when America is on the brink of destruction, we'll be saved...by Canada.

Natalie Salvia

I mean really, can you think of any nicer alternative to apocalypse?

This post is sponsored by the all-new epic comedy/music album 2776, out now. It features 80+ artists on 28 tracks, exploring America's past, present, and sci-fi future. Proceeds from the album benefit OneKid OneWorld, helping provide educational support for children in Kenya and El Salvador. Learn more about the album here, or find it on iTunes or your digital platform of choice.